Dear Maffia, ...

Buddies,

Prhaps you fokes dont know it, but th Maffia in America has been on th ropes evr since th Fedral Govrment learnd how to use th RICO statutes to incarcrate Maffia leadrs fer crimes cmmittd by their undrlings.  Nfackt, I read a magazine artickle recently that sugjestd that th Gambino Crime Famly -- once th most powrful Maffia famly in America -- is now in such disarray that its leadrship is wholly unsettld.  Th artickles headline was sompm like "Wantd: Crime Famly Boss."

Now Im pretty happy wif my life, ocoourse.  I mean, Im th foundr of a blogski that gots, like, a million readrs (give or take).  But, ya know, who WOUDNT like to, like, bettr their circumstances, right?

So I dcided to apply fer th post.  Yeah.  I sent th Maffia my applickation.  I cant post a atchual copy of it, since I awready sent it; but I can reprint th substance of it.  Here it is, cut-n-pastd from my werd-processin program:

Ey, Paisanskis!

It is my undrstanding that th Gambino Crime Famly is presently lookin fer a new boss.  My name is Joey Polanskiani, and I woud be grateful if you woud acsept this lettr as my official applickation fer th psition.  Evr since I was a little kidski, I have wannad to be a Maffia boss, and I woud considr it th greatest honr to be chosn to boss a Crime Famly as renownd as th Gambinos been evr since Don Carlo had th Mad Hattr whackd way back in '57.

At th risk o seemin immodest, I think I am eminently quallifyd to be a Maffia boss.  Fer one thing, a coupla years ago I done read th ottobiografy of Mr Joseph Bonanno.  Innit, Mr Bonanno tolt all about how he was boss o his very own Crime Famly fer sompm like thirty years -- since th very firs days o th Cozy Nostril in America.  I think Mr Bonanno was a very nice man, and it was wrong how th feds was always tryin to arrest him and shit.  I mean, it aint as if Mr Bonnano killt anyone.  Maffia bosses dont kill fokes.  Othr people do.  And then, only when th boss tells em to.

Fer anothr thing, I publishd on my blogski a post that featurd a pitchr o th late Mr John Gotti, who usta be th boss o yer own Crime Famly until he was tryd undr that friggin RICO statute -- which is dangd unconstitutional, fya ask me -- and was wrongly sent to prisn on th dubious strennth o th rat-fink testimony o Sammy th Bullshittr Gravitano.  My post was unequivockally respeckful o Mr Gotti, and I tolt my billion loyl readrs (give or take) that they oughtsta be respeckful o Mr Gotti too, evn tho Mr Gotti been, like, worm-food fer a few years by then.  I think Mr Gotti was a very nice man, who was unfairly hounded by th govrment cause he was a proud Eyetalian.  And Paul Castellano probly had it comin anyhow.

Fer yet anothr thing, I know howta make pizza and sauce.  I evn publishd th recipes on my blogski, and not a single one o my trillion readrs (give or take) evr said it was anything othr than th bestest sauce and pizza evr madeski.  Thisll come in handy if we evr hafta go to th mattresses, ya know?

Fer yet one more thing, th Maffia is a organization in which it is absolutely necesary fer guys who call emselfs 'Joey' to be took seriosly by othr fokes.  And I can tell you that, havin calld myself 'Joey' on my blogski fer almost three years now, evry single one o my gazillion readrs (give or take) knows Im serios as a friggin heart attackski.

Finaly, I am not, nor have I evr been, a polack.  Honest.  I am a hunnert prcent Eyetalian.  Nfackt, I am a Sissylion -- jus like Lucky Luchiano, foundr o th Cozy Nostril.  I only pretend to be a polack somtimes sos t keep fokes from evr discovrin that I aint.  A polack, I mean.  I aint a polack.  Honest, I aint!  I like to ackt like a polack somtimes, tho.  Thats part o my bein crafty -- like a Maffia boss shoud be, ya know?  I mean, I got lotsa friends who is polacks, and so I know how they ackt.  And therer some polacks that I think is good people; but Id nevr let my daugtr marry one or nothin -- unlessn, maybe, it was to keep her from marryin, ya know, a eggplant or sompm.  Anyhow, I aint evn got a daugtr, so it aint like weere gonna hafta cross that bridge anytime soon, ya know?  I jus aint no polack or nothin.  Honest, I aint.  Scouts honr.

Realy finaly, I have made my bones awready.  I mean, lotsa times.  Heck, Im makin one right now.  Thats hows come Im findin it so hard to write this dangd lettr.  So dont yous go worryin yer little heads ovr that.  Let my little head take th punishment.  Its sufferd worse -- blieve me.

Well, I hope you fokes is all well and not, yknow, undr inditement or nothin.  I will be happy to visit th Watrfront, or th Garment District, or th Fultn Fish Market, or th social club o yer choosin fer a formal innrview.  Anyplace but th Sparks Steak House, fya dont mind.

Wishin you a very riva derchi,

Joey Polanskiani

P.S. Luca Brasi sleeps wit th fishs.

P.P.S. I mean, badabing!  Like, fuhgeddaboudit!

I expeckt a rply any day now, and will keep yas postd.

YIV

Buddies,

No, you stoopit bastrds, YIV aint some kinda Jew-hollyday.  YIV means, like, Year IV -- thats Year FOUR, fer all you non-Romanskis out there.  And Year Four begins fer The Joey Polanski Show on July 14, 2008.  Well ... atchualy ... lookin back ... in th arckives, it seems th firs post here at th Show was publishd at 5:58 PM; so I guess that means that, oficialy, Year Four began on th evning o July 14.  So how dya like that?  YIV is like a Jew-hollyday aftr all.  Go figgr.

But THREE YEARS, fokes!  In blogassfearick terms, thems what th limeys woud call donkeys years -- specially since, durin em years, we sure done runnd inta plenny o jackasses round here.  And, sadly, we done runnd inta plenny o fokes who aint round no more -- not in any meaningful sense, anyhow.

Now I acknowledgd fairly early on that th The Joey Polanski Show cant go on ferevr -- if fer no othr reasn than that I, Joey Polanski, probly cant go on ferevr.  I mean, it aint as if I can "turn th Show ovr" to anothr host, can I?  Thatd be, like, The Joey Polanski Show with Jon Stewart, ya know?  Woudnt work.  And I think I rveald on a few ockasions that there been sevral times in th past when I was plannin to bring down th final curtain.  I nevr went so far as to announce such a thing, cause one o th unwrittn rules o th Show is that faux retirment is jus dangd unmanly.  Same goes fer th ol empty threat o retirment -- you know ... th "I think Im done wif this" followd by th "I guess Ill keep goin aftr all."  Announcment o retirment, accordin to Polanski Principple, brings wif it a obligation to make good.  And atchual retirment dmands th stones to stay down -- or at least th stones to start bloggin again from scratch, establishin a NEW readrship instead o simply poachin a old one.

You long-time readrs o th JPS reckonize in this one o th supreme Polanski values: buildin and maintainin a blog is most significkant when its done WIFOUT th aid of "ottamaticks."  Othrwise, its too easy, anyone can do it, and dont mean nearly as much.  And so th mattr o th final curtain has always been one that calld fer extremely careful treatment.  Bringin it down woudnt necesarily mean th end o bloggin fer th Man Bhind th Curtain, but it WOUD necesitate that future bloggin acktivity be restricktd to colonizin a wholly diffrent secktion o th blogassfear.  And th challenge o BUILDIN -- I mean REALY BUILDIN -- presents an attracktive prospeckt, I mus say, especialy since I think there probly cant be any more significkant building done here at th Polanski Show.

Prhaps th more prceptive of yas can see also that this cmmitment to considerable care regardin mattrs o th final curtain rveals anothr o th supreme Polanski values: even from its earlyest days, th Polanski Show was prduced wit th LONG view in mind.  And that DONT mean that th initial intention was to carry on this chrade fer donkeys years.  You long-timrs know that th JPS was startd as a private joke -- a cybr-gag to be stumbld upon by my brothr, Piet.  Who knows how long Id a-continued th Show once me & Piet had our little laff?  Twas not long inta th Shows run that a dcision was made to BUILD; and th whole cybr-gag thing was abandond.  (And, t my knowledge, Piet aint yet found th Show.)  But evn aftr this shift in prpose, there was nevr a explicit intention to press ahead to th one-year mark, and th two-year mark, and so on.  Nfackt, I once rveald that there WAS a "unoficial" (unannouncd) dcision to bring down th final curtain as early as Thanksgivin 2005 -- a good coupla munts bfore evn hittin th HAFF-year mark.

No ...  Havin th long view in mind has nevr meant aimin at a long RUN.  What its always meant is this: How will The Joey Polanski Show look to somone who might stumble upon it long aftr th final curtain has come down? Will there still be any reasn to read whats there, any value to its content -- I mean, assumin theres any o that stuff now, while its still up & runnin?

Havin th long view in mind has more or less cmpletely conditiond th content of th Show.  A balance had to be struck btween unity and variety.  I mean, there gotsta be a sense in which a readr knows exackly what he / she is gonna get, and also a sense in which he / she NEVR knows what he / she is gonna get.  In othr words, there needed to be a reckonizable Polanski style and a kind of standard shtick, as well as a unwavring cmmitment to a very specifick prpose -- FUN -- and all o this hadta be coupld wif a unpredicktability.  This turnd back into th principple of avoiding "ottamatticks": It aint th JPS way to resort to such things -- all too commn in th blogassfear -- as th "diary post" (includin, but not limitd to th "housekeeping post" -- "I wont be / havnt been postin much fer a while because ..."), th gratuitous "shout-out to th peeps" (includin, but not limitd to, th wretchd "meme post"), and evn posts that was too exclusively "topickle."

Since its my bloggin birfday, I guess Im entitld to wax immodest.  And Im pretty proud o th Polanski Show arckive.  Nfackt, Ill evn go so far as to say that whatevr value it has is a timeless value.  I think it DOES cntain that combination of unity and variety.  There is nothin "hodge-podge" about th Polanski Show.  Each post has a partickular focus, and is true to th Shows avowd prpose.  Thus, any post that might stand out in yer mind as memrable will be sompm that you can, wif minimal effert, locate in th arckive.  (Comments are anothr mattr.  While many o THEM is memrable too, findin th post they was attachd to might be pretty diffickult.  But honesly, who CANT find th post about nestd egg dolls in less than, like, TEN friggin seckons?  Know what I mean?)

And, as weere trippin down memry lane, lets talk topickle.  Nothin is more "topickle" than a obituary post, right?  And we see em things all ovr th blogassfear -- where th post is nothin othr than a acknowledgment that some famous prson bit it.  Th sticky-sweet "fond farewell."  Anyone runnin crosst sompm like THAT years aftr th blog was taggd & baggd might be slightly intrestd in th post as a historickle indickation o what was happnin back when th blog was still kickin; but genrally, I suspect th post woud be passd ovr as a puff-piece -- cheap fillr.  So THATs sompm youd NEVR see at th JPS.  There HAVE been what might be considerd "obit posts" here at JPS ovr th years -- but all in keepin wif Polanski Principple, ocourse.  Remembr Leona Helmsley?  Or how bout Charlton Heston?  Or Syd Barrett? And we aint evn yet talkin bout th close cnnecktion btween the Polanski Show Royl Famly and croakin celebritys!  Or THIS post about a famous death, which happms also to be I sppose, one o th very ... ummm ... WRONGEST posts evr publishd at th Show.  See, topickle is too easy, merely as topickle.  At th JPS, th aim has always been fer that ineffable element o timelessness.

So much fer th long view.  Now how bout th long RUN -- I mean, now that its turnd out that th Polanski Show is enjoyin a unusualy long run?  Fokes, I aint got no plan to retire jus yet.  If that was my plan, then Id a-broght down th final curtain bfore startin a new year.  So, then, whats yet to come?  Well ... cant tell ya that, exackly, except to say that therell probly be some changes -- some abrupt and drammatick, othrs gradual and subtl.  Some o yous might find em wellcome, while othrs might not.  But what you can count on is that th JPS will always stand fer a explicit reckonition that bloggin AINT th same friggin thing as MySpace -- no mattr how much o th blogassfear is swallowd up by th MySpacrs.  Th true Polanski playrs out there know what Im talkin bout.  I suspeckt theyll timelessly be a part o our little ode to joy here.

And now that th YIV celebration has bgun, shoudnt we be lightin candles or breakin unleavend bread or sompm?  And manna!  Wont somone please pass me th friggin manna?