Dear Maffia, ...

Buddies,

Prhaps you fokes dont know it, but th Maffia in America has been on th ropes evr since th Fedral Govrment learnd how to use th RICO statutes to incarcrate Maffia leadrs fer crimes cmmittd by their undrlings.  Nfackt, I read a magazine artickle recently that sugjestd that th Gambino Crime Famly -- once th most powrful Maffia famly in America -- is now in such disarray that its leadrship is wholly unsettld.  Th artickles headline was sompm like "Wantd: Crime Famly Boss."

Now Im pretty happy wif my life, ocoourse.  I mean, Im th foundr of a blogski that gots, like, a million readrs (give or take).  But, ya know, who WOUDNT like to, like, bettr their circumstances, right?

So I dcided to apply fer th post.  Yeah.  I sent th Maffia my applickation.  I cant post a atchual copy of it, since I awready sent it; but I can reprint th substance of it.  Here it is, cut-n-pastd from my werd-processin program:

Ey, Paisanskis!

It is my undrstanding that th Gambino Crime Famly is presently lookin fer a new boss.  My name is Joey Polanskiani, and I woud be grateful if you woud acsept this lettr as my official applickation fer th psition.  Evr since I was a little kidski, I have wannad to be a Maffia boss, and I woud considr it th greatest honr to be chosn to boss a Crime Famly as renownd as th Gambinos been evr since Don Carlo had th Mad Hattr whackd way back in '57.

At th risk o seemin immodest, I think I am eminently quallifyd to be a Maffia boss.  Fer one thing, a coupla years ago I done read th ottobiografy of Mr Joseph Bonanno.  Innit, Mr Bonanno tolt all about how he was boss o his very own Crime Famly fer sompm like thirty years -- since th very firs days o th Cozy Nostril in America.  I think Mr Bonanno was a very nice man, and it was wrong how th feds was always tryin to arrest him and shit.  I mean, it aint as if Mr Bonnano killt anyone.  Maffia bosses dont kill fokes.  Othr people do.  And then, only when th boss tells em to.

Fer anothr thing, I publishd on my blogski a post that featurd a pitchr o th late Mr John Gotti, who usta be th boss o yer own Crime Famly until he was tryd undr that friggin RICO statute -- which is dangd unconstitutional, fya ask me -- and was wrongly sent to prisn on th dubious strennth o th rat-fink testimony o Sammy th Bullshittr Gravitano.  My post was unequivockally respeckful o Mr Gotti, and I tolt my billion loyl readrs (give or take) that they oughtsta be respeckful o Mr Gotti too, evn tho Mr Gotti been, like, worm-food fer a few years by then.  I think Mr Gotti was a very nice man, who was unfairly hounded by th govrment cause he was a proud Eyetalian.  And Paul Castellano probly had it comin anyhow.

Fer yet anothr thing, I know howta make pizza and sauce.  I evn publishd th recipes on my blogski, and not a single one o my trillion readrs (give or take) evr said it was anything othr than th bestest sauce and pizza evr madeski.  Thisll come in handy if we evr hafta go to th mattresses, ya know?

Fer yet one more thing, th Maffia is a organization in which it is absolutely necesary fer guys who call emselfs 'Joey' to be took seriosly by othr fokes.  And I can tell you that, havin calld myself 'Joey' on my blogski fer almost three years now, evry single one o my gazillion readrs (give or take) knows Im serios as a friggin heart attackski.

Finaly, I am not, nor have I evr been, a polack.  Honest.  I am a hunnert prcent Eyetalian.  Nfackt, I am a Sissylion -- jus like Lucky Luchiano, foundr o th Cozy Nostril.  I only pretend to be a polack somtimes sos t keep fokes from evr discovrin that I aint.  A polack, I mean.  I aint a polack.  Honest, I aint!  I like to ackt like a polack somtimes, tho.  Thats part o my bein crafty -- like a Maffia boss shoud be, ya know?  I mean, I got lotsa friends who is polacks, and so I know how they ackt.  And therer some polacks that I think is good people; but Id nevr let my daugtr marry one or nothin -- unlessn, maybe, it was to keep her from marryin, ya know, a eggplant or sompm.  Anyhow, I aint evn got a daugtr, so it aint like weere gonna hafta cross that bridge anytime soon, ya know?  I jus aint no polack or nothin.  Honest, I aint.  Scouts honr.

Realy finaly, I have made my bones awready.  I mean, lotsa times.  Heck, Im makin one right now.  Thats hows come Im findin it so hard to write this dangd lettr.  So dont yous go worryin yer little heads ovr that.  Let my little head take th punishment.  Its sufferd worse -- blieve me.

Well, I hope you fokes is all well and not, yknow, undr inditement or nothin.  I will be happy to visit th Watrfront, or th Garment District, or th Fultn Fish Market, or th social club o yer choosin fer a formal innrview.  Anyplace but th Sparks Steak House, fya dont mind.

Wishin you a very riva derchi,

Joey Polanskiani

P.S. Luca Brasi sleeps wit th fishs.

P.P.S. I mean, badabing!  Like, fuhgeddaboudit!

I expeckt a rply any day now, and will keep yas postd.