Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. "Go up, baldhead," they shouted, "Go up, baldhead!" The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces. From there he went to Mount Carmel, and thence he returned to Samaria.
2 Kings, 2:23-25... provin that sticks & stones may break ones bones, but names coud get yer bitch-ass tore up by two massive carnivores.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
You fokes know, from a earlyer post, that I been readin this book about th American Revolution. Now, I gotta say that th Revlutionary War aint nearly as intresting t me as th Civl War; but I sure been learnin lotsa stuff I dint awready know. Like, fer example, I learnt that, evn tho bofe sides enlistd th aid o th native Injuns, twas th Brittish that had th Injuns stagin massickers & stuff. I suspeckt that this is th reasn why we Americans have always considerd th Injuns to be our enemy. This, no doubt, is hows come we, aftr winnin th war, put em Injuns, not only on resrvations, but also on foopball helmuts & on baseball caps.
But, evn tho th Injuns is a-spposta be th enemy o all loyl Americans, I gotta say that what I red about th Injuns that helpd th Brittish durin th Revlutionary War instilld in me a special respeckt fer th Red Man.
Fer example, I red that
When they prepared to take to the warpath, they daubed themselves with paint, "Vermillion and other colours. Their dress is a Blanket and Arse Clout, or covering for their Privaties." At th great war dances such as that staged at the mouth of the Bouquet, the Indians were "totally Naked, at the end of the Penis the head and neck of some handsome bird is fastened." As war drums throbbed and rum flowed freely, the braves whooped and gyrated.Heres what I learnt from this:
- When dscribin a Red Mans privaties, ya bettr be thinkin a big P, rathr than a small one.
- We White Men always wear our arse clouts in publick, cause we aint as proud o our cock heads as th Red Men are o theirs.
- While th White Man chokes his chickn, th Red Man chokes a far more handsome bird.
-- Enlightend Joe
Monday, October 22, 2007
No, fokes. I aint grabbin Mikes shtick. But I foun this on th innrnet when I was doin a serch on midgets. (Dont ask why I was doin a serch on midgets, kay?) When I seen it, I thougt t myself, "DANG! Mikes freelancin!"
But you know how it is, fokes. When weere all caugt up in a moment of excitement, we always jump to irrational concklusions.
Upon sobr reflecktion, I realize that if Mike had realy prduced this cartoon, th midget wouda been a catski.
... Same twistd sense o humor, tho ...
Now Im wondrin if maybe Mikes gone inta th homunckulus-makin bidness.
Hey, Mike! QUIT GRABBIN MY SHTICK!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Back when I was in gradjeeate sckool, a lot o my fello gradjeeate stoodents was, like, ordaind ministrs. In th abstrackt, this shood seem rathr odd, because what I was studyin wunt nothin esentialy cnnecktd wif rligion. (Nfackt, when fokes meet me in th real werld & find out what I do fer a livin, they usualy infr that Im a atheist, since they assume that evryone in my field is.) But, as it happmd, there was a prominent perfessr in th dpartment who publishd lotsa werks that was of especial intrest to Christian-foke; and so this perfessr was sorta a lone beackon, but a bright one, drawin in all em ordaind ministrs.
Anyhow, it was customary in em days fer our seminars to adjern -- perfessrs, stoodents, & ordaind ministrs alike -- to a pizza parlr where we coud continya th disckussion, or just unwind, ovr pizza & beer.
Now, while fokes may hafta resort to infrence in th mattr o my attitudes tward rligion, infrence aint necesary when it comes to my attitudes tward eatin pizza. Fokes whove known me fer evn just a little while woud probly say its ovious that Polanski considrs it desickration to leave some pizza uneatn. I aint bullshittin ya, fokes. Pick from amongst yas any three champyons, and Im inclind t bet that I coud out-eat th whole trio. (Only reasn I dont say th same thing bout drinkin is cause Im awready on reckerd as a "sientifick" drinkr. Where drinkin is concernd, I insist on modration as a mattr o principple -- I insist on th pleasure wifout th penance. Where eatin is concernd, there aint quite th same issue.) Fer me, th phraze "too much pizza" is wifout concrete meanin.
So theres this one time where we all wen out fer a post-seminar pizza-&-beer-fest; and as th night wore on, th sevral pizzas we orderd pizza dwindled to a single slice. There was only two people who was evn rmotely intrestd in eatin it: me & one fatbastrd of a ordaind minstr. I dont exackly remembr how it became clear that we bofe wannad that las piece -- I dont think there was evr th threat o battle ovr th dangd thing -- but I remembr that th ministr offerd to split th slice wif me.
I said sompm like: "Okay. But why dvide it? I mean: Cantcha jus, like, multiply it, so that theres enough slices fer th bofe o us?" (Im assumin that evn th tards amongst yas know that Jesus is a-spposta have multiplyd a few loafs & fishs sos to feed a multitude o sompm like five hunnert fokes.)
My fat ministr pal offerd up a big belly-laff -- since he had a big belly, aftr all -- and then he said: "I realy dont know why Im laffin at blasphemy!"
Blasphemy, fokes? I hardly think so! Alls I done was lace a little joke wif a biblickle refrence! I wouda figgrd this guy woud apreciate th gesture, since if HEd a-made a biblickle refrence in th same settin, it probly wouda been sneerd at. (Remembr, fokes: Im oftn a-spposta be a atheist just cause o what I was studyin way back in em days. Perfessrs gave extra credit fer sneerin at rligion.)
Also, ackordin to my big dicktionary, 'blasphemy' means
1 profane or contemptuous speech, writing, or action concerning God or anything held as divineWheres th profanity, th contempt, th irrevrence, or th disrespeckt in my lil jokeski? It wunt like I was seriosly spposin that HE had th powrs o GOD, was it? And it wunt like I tolt that ol joke about Jesus walkin inta a hotel, puttin three nails on th front desk, and sayin, "Dyou think you coud put me up fer th night?" A joke like THAT, I guess, wouda been a little ... ummm ... uhhh ...
2 any remark or action held to be irreverent or disrespectful
AWRIGHT! QUIT LAFFIN, YOU HEATHENISTICK BASTRDS!
(Oops! Maybe thatn does get a grin outta th Lord!)
And THATS MY POINTski! Th Lord GOTSta have one kick-ass sense o humr, dontee? I mean ... Think about it! Savin sinful humanity was, like, a real importnt job; and in & of itself, it coud hardly a-been a barrel o laffs. Ya gotta figgr th Lord musta been lookin fer laffs wherevr he coud find em, right? And ya also gotta figgr that a guy tryin to teach some serios lessns woud be much more effecktive if he wunt, like, supr-serios evry single moment o th day. "Okay, lets get serios now," means a lot more comin from a guy whos oftn fuckin around that it does comin from a guy who aint nothin BUT serios, ya know?
Therefore, Im spposin that th Lord likd to laff, & likd to make othr fokes laff too. Any deity werf his salt woud HAFTA, no?
So I can imagine th Lord enterin a new & unfamiliar town and intrducin imself & his followrs, sayin, "Hi. Im Jesus. This is my apostle James. And this is my othr apostle James."
Then, maybe hed say sompm like, "This heres my right-hand man, Simon. We call im 'Peter' cause hes like a rock. On this rock-hard Peter I shall build my church ... or at least pitch a friggin tent."
And then theres th evr-populr, "Hey, Jude-ass, pullst thou my fingr."
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Jus whatnaHECK is manna?
Long-time readrs o th Polanski Show know that I been preockupyd wif that very question evr since I speckulatd las Eastr that I nearly got hit wif a piece o th stuff.
Its pretty evident that when I writ that post, I was undr th impresion that manna was, like, bread fallin from Heavn. And, ocourse, I got that impresion when I firs read th Bible-story bout Moses leadin th Hebrewlytes outta Egyppt to get th Ten Cmmandments. Thats th mos famous story bout fokes gettin manna t eat, ainit? And it says there (Exodus 16:4) that God promisd He woud "rain down bread from heaven" fer em fokes.
Well, my own close encountr wif th manna led me to do a little reserch. Rereadin th Moses-story showd me that th Bible dont exackly corrobrate th pitchr o bread fallin down from Heavn. Th manna was, like, a flaky coating that was left on evrything each day aftr th mornin dew evapratd.
This led me to cnsider some naturalistick therys as to whatnaheck th manna mighta realy been. One thery I cnsiderd offerd a naturalistick explanation o th manna that was, oddly enough, prfeckly compatible wif th sugjestion that th prvision o th manna in th absence o all othr foodstuffs was th will o God. A angry God might very well a-willd that th unfaitful Hebrewlytes eat nothin but stuff that comes outta a bugs ass.
But my most recent reserch has led me to cnsider tales o manna that aint grounded in that Bible-story. And you aint a-gonna blieve it, but theres atchualy a manna-story thats cnnecktd wif Saint Nicklaus. Yknow ... Sanna Claus! (Thats Fathr Chrismas, t yous fokes o th limey ancestry; Papa Noel, to todos los spickitos out there!)
See, Saint Nicklaus was a real guy, oncetuponatime. Hes dead & in Heavn now. So th Sanna Claus who comes aroun each Chrismas & puts shit in yer stockin aint th same guy. Its yer mom & dad who been puttin that shit in yer stockin all ese years, kay? You shouda figgrd that out by now, from th fackt that it always been their idear, not yers, to leave cookies & milk fer Sanna. You jus thougt it was a good idear, cause yas thougt yer fokes was shootin ya straigt about Sanna. Th cookies & milk wouda been yers, dearies, but yer fokes was dtermind to make ya pay fer th toys they was givin yas.
Th real Saint Nick livd & died somtime in th past -- whoonaHECK knows whenski? Aftr he croakd, he was buryd in a tomb in Turky; but at some point, his rmains was stolen & latr buryd in a tomb in Itly. Well, heres th thing ... In BOFE o them tombs it was discoverd that a strange liquid was unexplainably ackumulatin. It has been found that th liquid was bein secretd by th dead saints bones. I mean, fokes atchualy seen th bones "prspirin"; and when the bones was wrappd & removd sos th tomb coud be renovatd in 1954, th wrappins ended up bein soakd wif th mysterios liquid.
This liquid is rootinely referrd to as manna; and on evry 9th day o May (th date on which th bones was movd from Turky to Itly) Church officials colleckt th manna in little bottls. Th liquid is then mixd wif Holy Watr & distributd to th faitful. Some fokes sprinkle it on afflicktd parts o their bodys. Othrs atchualy drink th mixture. This manna is said to have mirackulous propertys. Its a-spposta restore healf & inspire hope.
Fokes, this is defnitely a kind o nurishment, and it seems t come from a holy source. But it sure as heck aint bread rainin down from Heavn. So, intresting tho this latest bit o reserch is, I aint sure how much edjumacational value it gots.
I mean, I still dont know exackly whatnaHECK manna is; and it hardly takes a rocket sientist to figgr out that when a guy dies & goes to Heavn therell be no shortage o fokes wantin to lick his bone.
Monday, October 01, 2007
PSI (Polanski Show Investigations) has dtermind that air-travel will continue t be dangrous as long as fokes is still allowd to stow their homunckulus in a carry-on bag.
As we now know, some homunckuli aint too fond o th Free World.