When th shits WAY ovr my head, evn Common Sense on a Roll seems t fail me.
I just hope that when Im done, I dont hafta wait till tomorrow fer th solution; cause most shit aint werf hangin onto fer that long.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sad new to rport: Boris Yeltsin died a coupla days ago. You fokes might remembr that he was my top choice fer th American King.
I still say that my ideal of a drunken, belchin, fartin, laffin, "Oh-Shit-Its-th-KING" kind o monarck coud not have been bettr exemplifyd.
clearly not laffin ... probly eithr belchin or fartin ... DEFNITELY drunken -- a TRUE hero
So who, then, will be our king? Well, only two cannidates seemd able to garnr more than one vote from you fokes, and each o them gots exackly TWO votes. So I guess that means we gotta have a runoff.
Cannidate #1Th Brian Wilson campaign woud like to refr you to this little tidbit from a PopMatters article:
... by the time he was working on the Smile sessions in late 1966 and early ‘67, he was taking an unhealthy amount of drugs, playing his piano in the middle of a sandbox and was under the impression that his music was causing fires to rage out of control across Los Angeles.Okay. Ferget th whole part about thinkin his musick was settin fires. Thats sompm a little French girl wif a camra can do. And th drug thing, tho a plus, aint really no biggie neithr. But this guy had his piano in a friggin sandbox, fokes! I dont think we need to hear no more. Brians a cannidate werf considerin.
Cannidate #2Th Ross Perot campaign woud like to remind you of two importnt facts:
- Were it not fer Mr Perot, th expression "giant sucking sound" might not a-evr found its way into th American lexicon.
- Twas Mr Perot who, in his 1992 bid fer th Amercian presdency, chose as his runnin mate Vice Admiral James Stockdale, whose openin statement in th Vice Presdential Dbate famously began wif "Who am I? Why am I here?"
Cast yer vote now, as I suspeckt each o these guys coud drop dead any day now.
[ ] VOTE TH NUT
[ ] VOTE TH OTHR NUT
Please, fer goodness sake, dont make us go to David Crosby!
Fare thee well, Old Sot!
Monday, April 23, 2007
Th Currickulum Dvelopment Team at Polanski University (PU) has noticd that a certain cmmunity collidge includes th following among th COMPUTER CLASSES it offrs:
COMPUTER BASICS FOR THE SENIOR CITIZEN: While open to anyone, this class is specifically designed for the senior citizen who wants to learn to use a computer. Topics include components of a computer (keyboard, monitor, mouse, etc.); basic elements of the Windows operating system; how to identify software loaded on your computer; a brief introduction on how to use the computer for letter writing; and the basic elements of the Internet, World Wide Web, and E-mail. This class provides time for in-class hands-on practice and one-on-one assistance from the instructor to ensure you acquire basic computer skills. It is strongly recommended that participants have a computer at home on which to practice.
While we here at Polanski University (PU) is committd to developin our own COMPUTR CLASSES -- addin courses to our already-establishd JOYSTICKIN FER LEFT-HANDRS (which DOES offr hans-on pracktice & one-on-one assistance) -- we, more genrally, emfasize th need for courses that bring fokes up to speed wit modern tecknology.
Wif this goal in mind, we now intrduce into our world-renownd FOODS currickulum th followin course:
FORK & SPOON FER CHINESE FOKES: This class is designd fer Chinese fokes who wanna try eatin their food wit sompm othrn sticks. Topicks include: gravity, th physicks o slippry shit, and th cultural continuity of modern spoon-use wif th age-old pracktice of holdin a bowl o food a inch from yer face wif one hand whilst tryin to knit th shit inta yer mouf usin only a pair o needles in th othr. This class is also opm to nonChinees who gots a multicultural bug up the ass inclinin em t think they gots t use em sticks whenevr they eats th chinks food. Exspurt utensilist, J. K. Polanski -- author of th now-standard text, Quest Fer Fire ... and Flatware -- will have students eatin like civilizd foke aftr only th first lesson: "Forkee Like Four Stickee Wif Wee Scoopee." Follow-up lessons will suggest altrnate uses fer old eatin-sticks -- like scratchin animal pitchrs onta cave walls n stuff.Financial aid is available fer them that gots th yen but not th yuan.
-- Dean Polanski
Thanks to JediMacFan fer dsignin n creatin bofe th emblem and th bumprstickr.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Heres some o what I found when I typd in "homunculus" and done a Google Image Search.
MAKE 1This seems t be a extremely populr make -- th big head, th ovrsizd hans, th clodhoppr feetski. In this make, theres a couple o diffrent models.
MAKE 1, MODEL AThis is probly a prototype. I mean ... Im guessin it mus be a prototype. Im figgerin th combination o such BIG hans & such a little dick coud only make fer one UNhappy homunckulus.
MAKE 1, MODEL D ... er ... PP ...er ... BKAY, now! THATS more like it! Big hans PLUS quite a hanful! This lil guy evn LOOKS happy as hell!
MAKE 2, MODEL AKay, this ones realy fuckd up -- CLEARLY! I mean, if you gotta atchually label th friggin body-parts ... well ... you KNOW you probly aint got em in th right places. (I aint no natomy exspurt, but Im pretty sure th tongues a-spposta go IN th friggin mouf.)
MAKE 2, MODEL BOnly improvment I coud imagine here is labellin th shit in a diffrent language. Yeah ... THATs bettr!
MAKE 3GEEZ! Try labellin th friggin parts HERE, fokes! I mean ... I see a eye, an thats about ITski! Not evn a hint of a dick -- or of hans wif which t play wif it! If I evr made a homunckulus like THISn, Id certainly keep it my lil secret.
MAKE 4Awright. Thats just a friggin mess.
Especialy in light o these last ones, Im left t think that my past efferts -- like thisn and thisn -- really wunt so bad aftr all.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
This heres th 300th post here at The Joey Polanski Show; so I figgrd thisd be a good time t do a little housekeepin.
Polanski By th Numbrs:
Near as I can tell, about ninety diffrent bloggrs (or, in some instances, spammrs) have postd comments here. Im a-gonna guess that that numbrs probly kinda low, as cmpared wit othr blogs that been aroun fer almost two years. I like t think that fokes can tell rathr quickly that leavin a comment here at th JPS is a-spposta be more than jus showin up & chimin in. Nfact, I kinda wish I coud make th "Post a Comment" buttn same sompm more like "Take a Whack at Somone Wif a Broadsword." Kinda limits th influx o newcomrs to a trickle of only th friggin ballsyest, donit?
As fer comments emself, Im a-gonna say that, as of this postin, there been sompm like 3,829 comments left here. Id guess two-thirds o them -- maybe ebm three-quartrs -- comes from yous fokes. An I gotta tell ya that THATs got a lot t do wit th fact that weere reachin th 300th post right now. When you guys is feelin frisky -- quick t kick th shit around -- I kinda feel like its my duty t keep th fresh shit comin. YER activity presses me to stay active. And its been a pretty active month so far, hant it?
Since th last "Polanski By th Numbrs" update -- back on th 250th post -- I have matchd my longest period wifout postin nothin. Btween th last post in March (My Latest Homunckulus) an th first post in April (King o Fools), sompm like eight whole days gone by. That had a lot t do wit my havin t finish up some werk bfore my vacation startd, and a lot t do wit my bein on vacation & takin some time to read my Civl War book. It also had t do wit th rathr strange fact that bloggin seems t be kinda like a minor addicktion wit me. When circumstances kinda force me to stay away fer a little bit, it atchualy gets easyr t stay away -- you know, as if Im "kickin th habit." When Im in it tho, Buddies, Im as junkyfied as Keif Richards & as incomprehensible as Joe Walsh. If it wunt fer yous fokes, I mighta got clean by now.
Girls! Girls! Girls!
Whiles Im on th subjeckt o blogski bidness, I might as well werk a little on th list o Places I Play.
Sara Sue and Phoebe Fay are bofe friends o Mike AND friends o AngryMan. Sara Sue also frequents C. Rags blog, Chickies blog, & Cashs blog, while Phoebe Fay shows up quite a bit at Colonel Colonels blog and at th Revrends Tetherd Cow Ahead. And now they play here, as I play at their places. So its time to opm th books on the Polanski Show Wimmins Auxiliary.
Sara Sues blog is calld Sara Says ...
Phoebe Fays blog is calld (... drum roll, please ...) Phoebe Fay.
Oh, yeah ... Im also replacin th link to Cissy Strutts Blogger Profile page wit seprate links to her two blogskis, since I been playin at bofe ubm wit considrable regularity.
Cissys photo blog is calld Ginger Stick.
Cissys book blog is calld Blue Flyer.
Check out these ladys & then come back here an weell make lotsa juvenile lockr-room comments about em. Just cause we reachd 300 posts dont mean we growd up any.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Awww ... DANG! I think Joey mighta crossd that friggin line again!
Somone get my sorry ass inta rehab, will ya? See if th Mel Gibson suite is available. Nah ... Fuck it. Im probly nine-tenths o th way to Imusville awready.
Hey ... Tourettes dont make ya type shit, does it?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Cash, favorite roverlutionary o th Polanski Show, has a secret weapn. Leakd fotos have been obtaind by PSI (Polanski Show Investigations).
Our exspurt analysts speckulate that th animal on th far right is eithr a Terrorerrier or a Schwartzeneggr Spaniel.
There ya have it, fokes. I reports. Yous dcide.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Did you fokes know that durin th American Civl War, th Confedrate Army had a brigadier genral who was a full-blooded Cherokee injun chief, & who cmmanded a battalion made up mostly o Cherokee, Seminole, Osage, & Creek injuns?
Yeah. His name was Stand Watie, & he was in fackt th last Confedrate genral to surrendr to th victorious Fedrals -- nearly two & a half munts aftr Presdent Abraham Linkum died (which was a hunnert n forty-two years ago today).
Genral Chief Stand Watie
Can you imagine how much longr th Civl War mighta lastd if th Rebs had found emselfs a injun chief named Keep Fitie?
Friday, April 13, 2007
AWRIGHT, fuckrs! Keep yer hans where I can see em, & step away from th FLAG BLOG buttn!
Im realy sorry fer postin this. And I plan t be sorry throughout th whole upcomin week.
HECK! I might evn be willin to do ten minutes wit th Revrend Al. Or wit a spokesprson fer Himeytown.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I think I already toldjas, back in this old post, that in th early munts o th American Civl War, Union genral Ulysses S Grant made quite a name fer imself in th western theatr. Well, his reputation fer bein a committd fightr only grew as th war passd into its middle years. When Vicksburg fell in July o 1863, aftr a siege like th one that done in Fort Donelson almos a year & a haff earlyr, Presdent Abrham Linkum knew that, at long last, hed found th man to lead Union troops to vicktry.
Wunt long aftrwerds that ol Grant was transferrd eastwerd t take cmmand o th armys that had been gettin pretty well whuppd by th Rebs durin all that time. (Remembr Ol Popey?) Butcha gotta unnrstan this was back in th days before TV, & evn before newpaprs was able t reprduce photografs. So fokes back east was natchurly anxious t get a look at such a largr-than-life figgr as Genral Grant had become.
Well, in prson, ol Grant was anything BUT largr-than life. He was -- I guess ya might say -- a little bit SMALLR-than-life. He was frumpy -- more r less lackin in th kinda bearin that was most strikin in Confedrate Genral Robert E. Lee, who was from now on t be Grants most significkant advrsary.
Genral Robert E. Lee:
one tuff customr
But it woont be quite correckt t say that Grant was nondescript. There was defnitely sompm about im that made a lastin impression on em curious easternrs; an many ubm tryd t put their fingr on jus what that defnite sompm was about ol Unconditional Surrendr Grant.
Accordin to Shelby Foote, somone said Grant had "a look of resolution, as if he could not be trifled with." Somone else made mention of "his shy but manly bearing."
Still another even saw virtue in the dead-level way he wore his hat. "He neither puts it on behind his ears, nor draws it over his eyes; much less does he cock it on one side, but sets it straight and very hard on his head."
Genral Grant wearin his hat dead-levl,
set straight & very hard on his head
Some othr prson said of ol Grant that he "habitually wears an expression as if he had determined to drive his head through a brick wall and was about to do it."
Genral Grant about t drive his head through a brick wall
Genral Grant aftr he done drove his head through a brick wall
But I think my very favorit attempt by th easternrs to get at th genrals Grantocity is when one infantryman askd anothr, aftr they bofe got their first look at ol Grant, "Well, what do you think?" an his buddy thought fer a moment bfore sayin, "He looks as if he meant it."
Genral Grant wearin his hat dead-levl,
lookin as if he meant it
Genral Grant wearin his hat all fuckd up,
lookin as if he coud HARDLY have meant it
But I got my own theory as to what it was about U.S. Grant that captivatd people. I think it was th fact that th heroick was only subtly indickatd in what was othrwise a shockinly normal presentation. Th hope of th Union was decidedly a reggalr guy. Whatevr th expression on his face, or th attitude of th hat on his head, Genral Grant came off as somone whod have no problem unzippin & takin a leak in th woods.
Genral Grant takin a leak in th woods,
hat dead-levl, as if he meant it
Sunday, April 08, 2007
While out walkin to a friends house fer Easter dinnr, I seen sompm fall an hit th sidewalk right in front o me. Upon inspecktion, it turnd out t be a piece o bread.
Figgerin it musta been droppd by a bird perchd in th tree I happmd t be walkin undr, I lookd up. I dint see no bird in th branchs above.
Now Im thinkin maybe it was just a little manna. You know ... like, from Heavn.
Ill be sure to keep my eyes peeld for burnin bushs, partd seas, an new things thou shalt not do.
-- Cecil B. Polanski
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Heres a pair o cans.
Heres a pair o cans too.
Heres anothr pair o cans.
Heres one more pair o cans.
I dunno. Fer whatevr reason, th more pairs o cans I look at, th more pairs o cans I wanna see.
-- Pairsocanski Polanski
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Monday, April 02, 2007
Im runnin fer presdent. Yall know that. Ts time fer me t tell ya hows come.
Im runnin fer presdent fer two reasns. One ubm is that JediMacFan went n nominatd me. Shit. If somone else thinks I oughtta be presdent, then I guess I think so too.
Th othr reasn why Im runnin fer presdent is cause this fine cuntry o ours has come in recent years t be dspisd by almos all th othr nations o th werld, an I alone know what this cuntry needs t put it back in th high esteem o th werld cmmunity.
This cuntry needs a KING!
Now dont misunnrstan me! I aint runnin fer king myself. Im runnin fer presdent. An when I say this cuntry needs a king, I aint talkin bout th kinda king that cuntrys like Ingland gots. I mean, I aint talkin bout th kinda king that stans on a balckony & waves snootily to a crowd o loyl subjecks. Im talkin bout th kinda king thatll be a real man o th peoples.
Th American King wont be a prigski;
but lets not judge th hairdo too harshly.
Now I gotta admit, I have a image in my head: a image of a fat, drunken, laffin, belchin, fartin fool-king -- sorta a cross btween Henry th Eight & a court jestr -- cmplete wit tights, curly-toe shoes, n a codpiece th size o New Jersy. But th American King dont hafta fit this image zackly. Whats importnt is that th king exemplifys a kinda genral ideal. In th minds o th commonfoke, he shoud inspire a thought thats anywhere from a enthusiastick "Aww, YEAHhhh! Its th KING!" to a more rservd "Well, hes pretty harmless, but he realy aint right in th head"; while in th mind o any goverment official -- congressman, senatr, whatevr -- he shoud inspire nothin short of a unequivockal "Oh, FUCK ME! Its th friggin KING!"
Th American King woont have no legislative athority, no govermentl funcktion whatevr. His woud be a entirely ceremonial office. He woud have a consitutional right t be present at EVRY govermental event -- evry session o Congress, evry visit by a foregn dignitary, evry Spreme Court hearin, whatevr. An I guess he coud have some kind o civl rsponsibilty. He coud be entrustd wit samplin n evaluatin th produckt o Americas brewrys & distillrys. THAT oughtta put th ol King in jus th right state t be greetin foregn dignitarys or observin a session o Congress -- right?
Th American King is t be th face of America to th werld. This coud only improve our standin in th eyes o evryone else. Othr nations cant hate us if theyr all laffin at our king -- right? RIGHT!
Now ... WHO t fill th spot? Well ... I got a list o cannidates! A full dozn, in fackt. CAST YER VOTE! Yous can hepp me find th best guy, sos when Im presdent I can craft th constitutional amennment sos we get zackly th guy we want fer king.
Ill dvide th cannidates into a top tier & a bottm tier, but othrwise present em in randm ordr. Herer th cannidates in th top tier:
#1Eric Esch: Eric Esch -- bettr known as "Buttrbean" -- is a prize fightr, apparently in th FatBastrdweight dvision. He has cnsiderable experience in tryin t be took seriosly when no one in their right minds coud take im seriosly. Also, I gotta say I think hed fulfil pretty well that image o mine o th jestr-king.
#2Brian Wilson: Brian Wilsn is th foundr & cheef songwritr of th Beach Boys. Hes genrally regarded as a genyus an, as a genyus, hes pretty well fuckd in th head -- as you can tell from th pitchr. His main qualifickation is that he dont jus look crazy -- he IS crazy. I mean: Hes friggin crtifyable. Ebm bettr: He been a lunatick since we was a kid.
#3Pete Townshend: Pete Townshend is anothr musician -- th guitarist & cheef songwritr of th iconick rock group, th Who. Anothr creative genyus -- th cmposr o th rock opra Tommy -- hes probly pretty well fuckd in th head too. But Petes got ebm more goin for im. Up until not too long ago, Pete had his own blog right here on Bloggr. (Id link ya to it, but somone else took th URL aftr Pete transferd his stuff to his main website.) Also, Petes th only one o our cannidates who aparently has had a bit o experience kingin.
#4Lyle Lovett: Lyle Lovett is a ... well ... Now what th fuck IS he? Hes a singr, I thinkski. He also marryd Julia Roberts, who I nevr realy thougt was all that hot, but I reckonize a excessive & inexcusable Shemp Factor when I see it. He dont realy fit th jestr-king image, an I dont know if hes as fuckd in th head as Brian & Pete, but Im gessin youd think hes a little OFF if he came walkin inta th room, yeah? An ferget th tights n th codpiece: let im wear th tux. Tell me THAT aint like puttin prfume on a friggin pigski anyhow!
#5David Crosby: WHOA! Seems like musicians is a kingly sort! David Crosby was a membr o th Byrds, & then a membr o Crosby, Stills & Nash, & then a membr o Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, & then a rcipient of about evry organ transplant you coud name. He coud hardly be anything OTHR than a man o th people, bein made OUTTA th people -- right? Oh, yeah ... Like Brian Wilsn, hes also been crazy since his youngr days.
#6Boris Yeltsin: Boris Yeltsin is th formr presdent o Russia. This guys my prsonal favorit! He friggin prsonifys th jestr-king, in my opinion. Heck! I nevr said th American King hadta be American, now -- did I? That wouda disqualifyd Pete Townshend too, cause hes a dangd limey. Ol Boris gots too dangd much experience makin a fool outta himself in public t let his Russian birf get in th way o destiny.
Now herer th cannidates in th seckon tier:
#7George Foreman: Heck! George Foreman is like a black Butterbean -- cept once upon a time, George was a serios heavyweight boxr, & twice upon a time he ebm won th heavyweight champeenship o th werld. But now hes just a likable fatbastrd who likes t hawk his hamburgr grill on TV. Oh, yeah ... He gots, like, five or six sons -- & evry one of em is namd George. So hes a nutty fatbastrd too.
#8Ross Perot: Ross Perot ran fer presdent in 1992 & 1996. I nevr thougt that hed make a good presdent; but I sure as heck think hed make a pretty good laffin-stock king! Guys about four-foot-one & he gots ears like Tiny Dog. His theme song durin his first presdential campain may very well a-set im up t become king!
#9Bo Dietl: Bo Dietl is, like, a formr investigatr o some kind -- like a cop or sompm -- an he oftn makes apearances on TV shows as a exspurt. But he always comes off like hes on Day 3 of a 3-day bendr -- unshavd, slurrin speech, talkin incoherent & stuff. I can defnitely see him as th belchr-fartr.
#10William Perry: William Perry is a formr football playr bettr known as "th Refrigrator" cause hes ... well ... like a fatbastrd. You can see how fatbastrds is specialy well-suitd t be king, cantcha? Well ... Ol Fridge playd fer th Chicago Bears back when th Chicago Bears won a Supr Bowl. But Ol Fridge realy aint doin nothin nowadays, cept gettin his pitchr took wit fokes. He jus seems like a real nice sorta guy. Nice enough t be king. Specialy since hes a fatbastrd too.
#11Joey Buttafuoco: Kay. Outside o th maffia, can you think o any grown man calls imself "Joey" whos t be took seriosly? Yeah. Me neithr. Part o this guys claim t fame is that he bangd some underagd slutski an then got fergivn by his wife ebm tho th underagd slutski went n shot th wife in th headski. Th rest o this guys claim t fame is that he claims t be famous fer bangin a underagd slutski who shot his fergivin wifeski right in th friggin head. I think th guy oughtta be king.
#12Larry Flynt: Larry Flynt publishs pornografy that only a inbred crackr woud wanna look at. Also, ol Larr is all paralyzd in a wheelchair an is usualy so tranqd up that its hard t imagine goverment funcktions wifout im. Also, if hes evr too indisposd t prform his kingly dutys, Im sure Woody Harrelson coud fill in for im. When HE aint too tranqd up, that is.
HERES YER BALLOT!
(Write-ins is wellcome!)
[ ] VOTE BRIAN
[ ] VOTE GEORGE
[ ] VOTE BEAN
[ ] VOTE DAVE
[ ] VOTE FLYNT
[ ] VOTE PETE
[ ] VOTE SHEMP
[ ] VOTE YELTS
[ ] VOTE ROSS
[ ] VOTE BO
[ ] VOTE JOEY
[ ] VOTE FRIDGE
Heck. Might as well make it a bakrs dozn:
[ ] VOTE QUASIMODO