Well, fokes, I guess its time to finnish what I startd.
Moren a haff a year ago, I prposed that we eleckt ourselfs a King. Ocourse, I, as much as th nex guy, think its dangd silly fer a cuntry to have a King. But thats th point! Having a King is cause fer lafftr! THATs hows come we need a Kingski! And I prposd that th American King be exackly that -- a ready-made butt-o-jokes!
I put up a slate o cannidates wif that in mind. Among em was guys like George Foreman, Joey Buttafuoco, & Buttrbean -- guys you coont take seriosly if ya had a gun t yer headski! My prferrd cannidate was Boris Yeltsin; but he dint get no votes -- at first.
Then, aftr Boris Yeltsin died, I poinnid out that two o our King cannidates got th same numbr o votes -- Brian Wilson & Ross Perot. That calld fer a RUNOFF. Much to my dlight, Boris Yeltsin, as a corpse, got more write-in votes than eithr o them othr guys! Thus ...
... we got ourselfs a KINGski!
Then, I figgrd we needed a Queenski to go wif our Kingski! So I put up anothr slate o cannidates -- a slate o bitchs thatd make any loyl American subjeckt feel dangd sorry fer th King. Yknow ... a bunch o friggin battle-axs -- like Jackie Stallone and Zsa Zsa Gabor. Not long aftrwards, cannidate Tammy Fay Bakker bit it; and I usd th ockasion to point out that th initial votin left her in a tie wif cannidate Katherine Harris, callin once again fer a RUNOFF.
Admirably, we stuck wif th corpse theme; and so ...
... we got ourselfs a QUEENski!
Th inevitable vote fer Crown Prince wunt evn close! No runoff needed here. From a slate o cannidates includin all kindsa pervs & crimminals, you fokes went straight fer th guy who was then on trial fer murdr! Or was he th guy you fokes thougt was most likely to croak wiffin th forseeable future?
Ah, well ... in any event ...
... we got ourselfs a Princeski!
At long last, its time to fill out our Royl Famly by elecktin ourselfs a Princess.
Now I gotta admit, I aint sure I got any unifyd cnception o what kinda chick we shoud have fer our Princess. Part o me wants to say that, while th Crown Prince shoud be a guy who will NEVR fit th jolly mold o our Jestr-King, th Princess shoud be XACKLY th kinda chick who will somday fit th rpulsive mold o our Battle-Ax Queen. But part o me figgrs a chick woud make a good Princess if shes, like, socialy prominant dspite bein totly undserving o social prominence.
Might there be a cannidate who fits BOFE bills? Lets take a lookski. Heres a bakrs dozn t pick from.
Cannidate #1Kay. Might as well start wit th ovious. Lisa Marie Presley is th daugtr o American Royalty, aint she? She evn marryd American Royalty, dint she? Also, all th kings spin docktrs and all th kings bullshittrs coont cnvince you that she got evn a ounce o talent o any kind, coud they? Kay. Nuff said.
Oh, yeah ... Shes also a Sientologist! Nothin says "stoopit bitch" like a cmmitment to Sientology!
Cannidate #2Th Twin Bushs is also daugtrs o American Royalty, right? Rightski! But they gots lotsa othr things goin fer em. Cnsider:
- Theyre, like, real young, aint they? I mean, fer cripes sake, theyre pracktickly jailbait!
Imagine th friggin sckoolgirl fantissys you coud have! I mean, if that fuckr Chris Hansen wunt around.
- One of ems hottr than th othr one. Now I aint pickin one ovr th othr. You can judge fer yerselfs. Maybe you like th fat one -- whaddoo I care? But heres th thing: You can imagine that you get to bang th hot one! Or, you can imagine that you hafta settle fer bangin th othr one! Eithr way, you win! Cause you probly aint gettin laid anyhow.
- Finaly, since theres, like, two of em, you coud awways imagine that youre, like, samwichd btween em! Or, if yer that type, you can jus imagine like theyre fallin all ovr emselfs, and yer jus watchin.
Okay. Han-check, fellas!
Cannidate #3Monica Lewinsky is also a chick whos usd to bein close to powr. Im guessin no chicks as experiencd as she is, when it comes to handlin a royl sceptr! Once rferrd to as "th Presdents Portly Pepperpot," this chick may be my prsonal favorit. Only thing I gots against her is that she spells her name wif a 'y' and not wif a 'i', which means shes a Russki and not a polack. Probly a hebe, too. Im a polack -- ncase ya dint know awready. Totly goy as well.
Cannidate #4Ann Coultr woud chafe at bein elecktd our Princess. Shes usd to bein Queen.
Cannidate #5Kay. This chick is easly th flakyest chick on th plannit! Mary Kay Letourneau is th firs chick to bcome famous as a sckoolteachr who fuckd one o th boys in her class. Now I admit it: Im probly in that group o fokes who is, like, jealous o th kid. How many o MY teachrs woud I a-fuckd, if only shed a-been willin -- and maybe, like, NOT a nun? (Note to self: Look up cnfession-times at Saint Marys.) No. It aint so much that she fuckd one o her little boys. Its sompm else.
Look at it this way. Yer told that some adult teachr-chick fuckd one o her male students, right? Whatre you thinkin now? Yer thinkin: "Kay. Kid was probly, like, a impossibly pretty boy -- like Brad Pitt, but in junior high." Right? Thats what yer thinkin, ainit? Yeah. Me too.
Nope. Heres Mary Kay and Mr Irresistible:
You was thinkin o some MILF hangin all ovr a baby Brad Pitt. Instead we gots a chick who coont keep her hans offa Queequeg!
Cannidate #6Heres th first o th battle-axs-in-trainin. Kirstie Alley is a absolute PIG! This is a chick who, in spite o UNdservd movie stardom AND TV stardom, let erself get fat as a pig. And what does she do? She turns her fatness into a career opprtunity! Thats why I say she aint jus FAT AS A PIG, she IS a pig!
Also a Sientologist! WOWski! Th whole friggin packidge!
Cannidate #7Jus so Kirstie dont lock up th Fat-Pig bloc uncontestd, I prsent Rosie ODonnell. Fat pig. Abrasive. Anything else you think is needed? How bout th fackt that shes a dyke? She coud take ovr some o th Princes dutys when Phil Spectr is stond ... or killin somone. Two fer one -- THERES a deal!
Cannidate #8Ol Buffalo Butt here is DANGD influential! Shes evn more influential than Rosie! Nfackt, shes a-spposta be namin our nex presdent for us! I woont be suprisd if a chick like this is anothr one whos usd t bein Queen.
Oh, VERY FUNNY, dickead!
Thats a friggin WHITE chick!
Yeah. Go ahead, honey. Show as much cleavage as ya wanna. I still hate cha! Dont read too much inta this hard pee-pee o mine. Realy. Its hard most o th time. I hate cha! I realy do!
Cannidate #9No need t werry bout th hard pee-pee here, fokes. Sarah Jessica Parkr was jus votd th most UNsexy women alive! This horsefacd bitch gots a beezr like a bazookr! I mean, she atchualy gets UGLYer th more sexyly you pose her!
Seriosly, fokes: you coud take this chick, remove mosta her cloths, pose her in th sexyest way imaginable, and I STILL woont be arousd.
Not a LOT, anyhow.
Cannidate 10Paris Hiltn gots "Princess" writ all ovr er. Evrything she gots she gots because o who her parents are. But heres where th hard pee-pee realy starts t get me inta trouble. I mean, this is one chick who cnvinces me that my pee-pee aint realy a part o me. I mean, I realy hate this bitch. I hate her & evrything she stans fer. But most of all, I just hate HER. I really hate er.
But -- OH! -- that pee-pee is HARD! Down, Pee-Pee! DOWN! BHAVE yerself, fer cripes sake! Oh, I give UPski!
Cannidate #11Kay. I guess Britney Spears is probly talentd. I mean, whaddoo I know, yknow? So she aint quite in th Paris Hiltn category. But theres one thing I dont hafta guess about: N-U-T-S-Y-C-U-C-K-O-O. This chick is jus nutsy-FRIGGIN-cuckoo! I mean, who else can you name thats made such a smoove transition from real sexy to vapid sexy to trashy sexy? Seriosly, fokes, when I see her in a almost-cmplete state o undress ...
No. Evn moren att ...
Yeah THATs it! ...
I find my mind turnin to three things:
- th probability o gettin gonorrhea
Cannidate #12Well ... her ex-hubby dint get elecktd Crown Prince; but I think we gotta reckonize that th only reasn he was evn nominatd fer Crown Prince is that he turnd out to be a assole; and I think we all reckonize that he woont a-nevr been a assole if he hant a-been marryd to this evil bitch. Okay ... So I dont know whatnafuck Im talkin bout. But, fokes, Sharpton woud be all ovr my polack ass if I dint include at least one more black chick among th cannidates. Any o yous who oppose affirmative acktion can go ahead & write-in Tonya Harding as a protest vote.
Way I figgr ... if ya dont dig a black chick, you GOTTA be inta a white-trash chick. Bsides, ya gotta love a chick who went from being a lithe figgr-skatr
to bein a bruisin boxin Amazon.
Now THERES a chick who coud put th CESS inta 'PrinCESS'!
But OFICIALY, fokes, I give yas that great ruinr o good men, Robin Givens!
And dont go thinkin Im a-gonna be bringin up th hard pee-pee again here.
Fuckr aint realy been down since th Bush Twins, kay?
Cannidate #13Courtney Love is anothr in th Robin Givens mold. Somwhat famous in her own right, but SUPR-famous only fer havin Yoko-Onoed th fuck outta some guy wif exceptional talent. And if weere gonna have a ball-cuttr fer our Princess, I dont a-sppose we coud do much bettr than one whose weapn o choice is some incurable strain o jungle-rot.
HERES YER BALLOT (write-ins is welcome)
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[ ] or jus VOTE fer th CLAPTRAP
Awwww ... Dont cry, Tonya! Knowin MY audience, they might vote fer ya jus cause theyr hopin youll CROAK soon!