th man who woud be King ... NOT!
Buddies,
I aint fergot my plan to round out th American Royl Famly. We done elecktd ourselfs a King and a Queen already. Alls we need now is a Crown Prince and a Princess.
Lets talk Crown Prince.
Lemme tell ya th ideal I got in mind fer our Crown Prince. In spite o th fackt that th title o "Crown Prince" necesarily suggests eventual sucksession to th throne, I think our Crown Prince shoud be a guy who, fer whatevr reasn, will NEVR be King. Our Crown Prince will be prince fer life.
Incidently, othr cuntrys have princes thatll nevr be king. Take Englands Prince Harry, fer example.
Englands Prince Harry
This kids doin evrything a kid can do to be a swell Brittish boy. He joind th Brittish Army. And not too long ago he was INSISTIN that his army unit be dployd in Iraq. Howevr, it was decided that Harry woont be goin to Iraq because hed be too high-profile a target, thus creatin senseless risk fer th othr guys in his unit. But this is one ballsy Brittish bitch, fokes. Still, he will nevr be king. He jus dint have th good sense to be bornd bfore his brothr, William.
Princes Harry (left) and William (right)
Clearly, Williams got th firmr grip on th ol royl sceptr.
How hard it might be fer Harry is anyones guess.
But still, what I got in mind fer our Crown Prince is a guy wholl nevr be King bcause he jus aint th right type. Remembr my ideal fer King? Twas th lovable fuck-up -- th drunken, laffin, belchin, fartin jestr-king -- th guy whos entitld to appear at ANY state funcktion he chooses, and who always inspires agonizd groans from othr state officials ("Oh, SHIT! Its th King!") and enthusiastick cheers from alla us membrs o th great unwashd ("AwRIGHT! Its th King!"). While th Kings a guy who "aint quite right" in th sense that youd nevr trust him to fulfill any rsponsibilty that calls fer any kinda deckorum, th Crown Prince shoud be a guy who "aint quite right" in th sense that youd nevr trust him in a room alone wif yer daughtr. Creepy ... prhaps dangrous ... thats what our Crown Prince oughtta be.
Kay, then. Lets get to th cannidates. Heres a Bakrs Dozn:
Cannidate #1
Kay. I hate to start wif th ovious, but wunt this guy born to it? I mean: Aint this guy meant to be prince fer lifeski? Its his friggin name, fer cripes sakes!Now, I suspeckt some o yous is sayin th guys a dangd talentd musician; but Im sayin theres sompm inherently disturbin about th guy. Fer startrs, hes queer, aintee? Whats werse is that he makes othr fokes queer too. I mean: Dontcha jus hate it when yer hetero and somone o th same sex comes along & makes ya horny?
OH, DONT ACKT LIKE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT, YA FRIGGIN BULLSHITTRS! It happms! And it jus aint rightski! You know Im shootin ya straight! So our firs cannidate is a queer -- and a queenmakr.Cannidate #2
Again, I know Im goin fer th ovious. Creepy? Woont trust im wif yer daughtr? Well ... maybe wif yer daughtr ... but how bout yer prepubescent son? Kay, then. See what I mean? Ovious! This guys probly guilty o molestin young boys. Evn bettr: He been aquittd o that in a court o law! Guilty but unconvicktd -- what coud be creepyer?Cannidate #3
Right outta th same mold, fokes! Cept this guys probly guilty o sompm ebm werse than molestin kids. He killt fokes, & got off! Also, this guys creepyness is due especialy to th fackt that he comes off, more oftn than not, as a realy likable guy. Th likable creep -- PRFECKT!Cannidate #4
HA! Fooldja! Yous probly thougt I was sugjestin that only black guys is creepy enough to be Crown Prince (tho, ocourse, th previosly mentiond cannidates is probly th whitest black fokes youll evr run acrosst). Well, Mitt also quallifys as th likable creep. And he gots sompm special: He comes off as SO dangd likable thatcha cant help thinkin, "This guys creeeeeepy!" His likability IS what makes im creepy. Thats dangd unique, ainit?Cannidate # 5
This guy mus be, fer libral hetero wimmen, what Ann Coultr is fer libral hetero men -- th enemy fucktoy, th inspration o total self-loathin. And you dont hafta be a hetero wooman to find Mr Hannity a totaly suitable cannidate fer Crown Prince. See, Im a hetero guy (Remembr: wantin to fuck Prince does NOT disqualify a guy as hetero. It DONT! It DONT! And nestd egg dolls AINT th same thing as butt-plugs! You fuckrs!) and evn I think Sean Hannity is creepy. When I think o how much tail I, as a libral, woud be gettin if I had his looks, ... well ... I can self-loathe wif th bet of em. I mean: How coud I evr fuck a chick wifout thinkin, "If I was Sean Hannity, shed be a LOT hottr!"Cannidate # 6
Lieutenant Criminal Olivr Norf dont quite fit that earlyer model. He aint probly guilty: he IS guilty. A jury said so. He aint in jail only cause some court dcided that, because o a immunity-deal he struckd wif Congress, he shoont a-nevr been evn brougt to trial fer his part in th Iran-Contra Scandle. And he aint realy all that likable. How coud he be? Im pretty sure he playd Ash in th firs Alien movie, dint ee?
Thats a TENski on th ol CREEPYOMETR in my book, fokes! Plus, this is a guy whos attaind fame prcisely because he cmmittd crimes. Who wouda evr heard o Ollie Norf if there woonta nevr been no Iran - Contra Scandle, of if hed a-been inocent o what hed been ackusd a-doin? Hes famous fer bein a criminal. Nuff said.(Those o yous who is old as dirt -- AND plitickly edjumacated -- can go ahead & write in G. Gordon Liddy at this point, if yer so inclind.)
Cannidate #7
Not exackly aquittd, but free, in spite o th fackt that he probly killt some chick. Plus, th guys jus plain freaky. He oughtta be royalty. Ts no wondr C. Rag nominatd im fer King. I see him more in th mold o Crown Prince -- evn tho hes a old fuckr. A old fuckr can be prince, cantee?Cannidate #8
You probly noticd I aint been nominatin eithr actrs or cmedians fer positions in our royl famly. Oviously, thats cause any talentd actr or cmedian coud probly play th parts I have in mind. That jus dont count as real qualifickation. But that shoont exclude actrs & cmedians that is, like, fuckd up in real lifeski, shood it? And how bout a guy whos, like, extemely talentd -- BOFE as a actr AND as a cmedian -- and whose totly fuckd up life cmpletely deep-sixd his careerski? Kay, then. I give yas Robert Downey, Jr, ladys & germs!Cannidate #9
Kay. Th doors been opmd. Howsa bout Gary Busey, fokes? First, tell me you woont be a-scaird o this guy on sight! Now lemme tell ya that fast livin led this Oscr-nominatd actr to crash his motrcyckle & fuck up his brane. Hes realy quite harmless now -- like Jack Nicholson at th end o One Flew Ovr th Cuckoos Nest. But brane damidgd fokes is a little disturbin too, aint they? Specialy when they, like, try to pretend they aint brane-damidgd.Cannidate #10
Now I know that this guy looks like he belongs among Phoebe Fays Friday Fruitcakes -- yknow ... Worlds Greates Afflete and all that. But trus me, fokes: This guy was Gary Busey LONNNNNG bfore Gary Busey was Gary Busey! Fast-livin, boozin, dope-smokin, eventualy brougt on a car-crash so svere that he ended up doin a innrview in which he said, "Y'know, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't remember being in an accident." Had some scrapes wif th Law, too, as is ovious in this pitchr, where he looks clearly guilty & clearly fuckd up.
Self-dstructiveness -- I think that oughtta quallify a guy fer bein our Crown Prince.Cannidate # 11
Haim? Feldman? Who th fuck CARES? I mean: Does it realy mattr? Talentd ... self-dstrucktive ... bl-blahhhh ... bl-blahhhh ... bl-blahhhh ... Only thing these guys realy got goin for em is that Im pretty sure THEY was Robert Downey Jr bfore Robert Downey Jr was Robert Downey Jr. Theys, like, pioneers! Paradigms! I mean: fer them, dopin emselfs into a downward spiral was litrally KIDS STUFF!Cannidate #12
Creepyness PLUS criminality PLUS self-dstrucktiveness! Souns like HE was born to it too! He tryd to eat somone. He rapd somone else. He squandrd whatevr talent & opprtunity he had, not t mention th richs they brung im. Nuff said.Cannidate #13
Kay. This guy represents sompm diffrent. I dont know that hes creepy. I dont know that hes self-dstrucktive. So, what IS he? Cmpletely undserving! I dunno. I guess this guys got SOME kinda talent. Hes, like, a dancr, aintee? But that aint what hes REALY famous for! What hes REALY famouos for is marryin & knockin up a UNofficial membr o American Royalty. Thats ITski! Hes a TOTL parasite! THAT oughtta quallify, in my opinion!HERES YER BALLOT!
(Write-ins is wellcome!)
[ ] VOTE MUG
[ ] VOTE THUG
[ ] VOTE NICE
[ ] VOTE TWICE
[ ] VOTE JUICE
[ ] VOTE BUSE
[ ] VOTE FED
[ ] VOTE PED
[ ] VOTE FLASH
[ ] VOTE ASH
[ ] VOTE STONED
[ ] VOTE BONED
[ ] OR JUS VOTE FER TH CRAZY GUY
20 took th stage:
De Pope thought you got sent to Hell
Gotta go with the hair . . . PHIL SPECTOR BABY!
I say it is Prince. Hell...you don't even have to change his name. He was born into it. He's the man!!
I'm all for Busey. He's got Prince written all over him.
How coud I evr fuck a chick wifout thinkin, "If I was Sean Hannity, shed be a LOT hottr!"
For that statement alone, I'm voting for Hannity.
Welcome back!
Ooohhh, ooohhh, OJ, it's gotta be OJ!
I have write in candidate.
1.) He lives in his father's shadow.
2.) He has to do things bigger to get out of his father's shadow.
3.) He's into drugs.
4.) He's not that bright.
5.) He likes to dip his pen in the company's ink.
6.) He's a constant embarrassment.
7.) He talks to imaginary people.
8.) He hangs out with a rough/evil gang.
There's no question that the strangest one is Jack-o, but it would be nice if we had a crown prince you weren't constantly having to follow around, picking pieces of his face up off the ground and stapling them back on.
I'm not sure I'm ready to vote for someone simply because they are a thug or self-destructive prick, and although Prince has the right name, and it would be waaaay cool to be able to introduce "Our Crown Prince, Prince!" at parties, I'd say that for pure long-lasting weirdness, Phil Spector gets my vote.
And the ever-changing hair would be a hoot.
I got to the bottom of the comments, ready to place my vote, and what the HELL do I find down there???? And for THIS I fretted over your long silence, Joey! Aargh!
My vote is in for good old Phil Spector. No other man can wear their hair like him...or would want to.
He rarely smiles which can only mean he is serious when it comes to business!
King of Krazy!!!!
I'm voting for the Mittster. Just because this is the absolutely ONLY situation in which I could vote for the Mittster.
I'm voting for Busey.
Yer Holeyness: I DID get sent t Hell, but only to take th census. I sure wish we coud go to a sampling model, cause thats a pretty bad naybrhood to be goin door-t-door in.
Malach: Phil dint get sent to prisn, but once he gets elecktd to our Royl Famly, he coud very well end up dead. I mean: That seems t be th trend.
Sirdar: I agree -- excep fer th part about him bein th MAN. I gots my doubts.
Mike: Funny ... Th only writin I see on him looks rmarkably like surgickle scars.
Sara Sue: And just imagine how many hot chicks I coud get if I was Alan Colmes!
Mr Presdent: YOU shouda been on th jury durin his murdr trial!
C. Rag: Im sure Phil Spector will be disappoinnid you abandond im.
Colonel: I came pretty close to nominatin Mickey Rourke. His fake face shoud be fallin off anytime now.
Here / Gone: Yep. Th homunckulus is on EVRY page here at th Polanski Show!
Preposterous P: If Phil had Michael Jacksons plastick surgeon, Im sure hed be smilin all th time. Like th Jokr from Batman.
Phoebe Fay: Dont tell me Jan-Michael dint make ya swoon!
Angry: Somhow, that seems prfeckt. Busey strikes me as th Hellbillys fave.
Does that mean I am a hellbilly?
I haven't left Phil. How could I ever leave him? I'm still the president of his fan club.
Mike: Not necesarily. You said you marryd a polack. Im thinkin you might jus have a soft spot fer fokes wif brane damidge.
C. Rag: Bettr get back on Phils good side. So far, hes th frontrunnr.
One thing I like to point out about The Spare (Prince Harry) is that he shares his father's distinctive red hair and small ears.
But if I may be allowed to vote for your Royal Family (gee I wish we could vote for ours rather than having them foisted on us by 219 years of colonisation) my vote would reluctantly be for Phil Specter. (Reluctantly because Robert Downey Jnr would make a perfect prince.)
I'm doing a write in candidate as well. Sloth from The Goonies. He's the only one who can help get us out of this "rocky road."
I'm goin' with Ollie. We can at least be sure that his secretary will be HOT.
BTW Joey, I followed your advice. Comment Moderation is history.
Ciss: Phil is startin to run away wif it! Not t worry tho: Robert D got a vote -- but th vote was cast elsewhere.
Jedi: Cant allow characktrs as write-ins. Twoud be TOO wide opm.
Bruce: Also: 'Ollie' jus seems like a good name fer a prince. Evn bettern 'Orenthal'.
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