Whoa! Duuuuuuuude!

Buddies,











I gess at some point we jus sorta dcide "Aaaaaaa, FUCK IT!"

BRAVO! ... buttrfingerd basterd ...

Buddies,

Wile walkin home from werk yestrday, I crosst paffs wit two guys who was walkin tgethr. One o them guys had only one arm -- a rite arm, I think it was. Th othr guy had two arms -- a rite one an a lef one, Im gessin.

Each o da guys was carryin a tall cup o sodypop. Th two-armd guy was carryin his innis rite han. Th one-armd guy dint have a choice.

Just as we was crossin paffs, th two-armd guys cup o sody slippd outta his rite han. He swipd at it wit his lef han, tryin t catch it. He faild, an his cup o sody ended up spilt all over da sidewalk.

Th one-armd guy resistd all temptation to clap, Im happy t report.

its alla bout ME -- ainit?

Buddies,

I kno yous fokes cant get enuffa Joey Polanski; sos I kinda changd my cnception o th links list ovr at th right. If th JPS is my homefield, then th links-list shoud cntain all th places I play on th road, rite? Well, thats what it is now -- th Places I Play. Click em links an youll get more Polanski than you can shake a snake at.

Back are some ol familiers (evn a cupla blogs that kinda been petrfied fer quite a wile): Murk On Sports is back, as are th blogs from AngryMan, Hobbs von Wackamole, HissyFitz, and Anne Arkham.

An now therer links t blogs that I aint nevr sent ya to bfore. From th AngryMan famdamly, we now got links to blogs from C. Rag and evryones favrit revolutionary Rover, Cash. Cocovan has been cntributin here at th JPS since th addition of Geritopias Bloggy-Blog way back in dis post. Aaaaaaron has been vistin us ocasionaly evr since dis FAMUS post. He got one o them rathr ODDLY funny blogs. He calls it Total Crap. Anothr guy wit a creativly funny blog is Casey, whos blog seems t get a new name evry othr day an is presntly calld Mineralogy. (Yeah, th boldface IS part o th title!) Dubya is th friggin presdent o th United States.

Suzz is th only bloggr whos now got a link here evn tho she aint nevr made no apearance here at th JPS. She likes t bash Presdent Dubya bout as much as Hobbs von Guacamole does. I been havin fun playin ovr at her blog fer quite a long wile. Her blogs calld Writing On Tilt.

Therer a cupla othr places I been playin a bit in recent days. If they ends up bein reggaler stops on th Joey Polanski Blogassfearick Tourski, Ill probly end up pervidin yas wit links t them too.

In th meanwile, come folla me to th funnest places in th bloggaverse. Click eack one o them links to th right, an join in th fun at them othr blogs.

I kno yall wanna be like me. So START BEIN LIKE ME ALREADY, DAMMIT!

a war werf fightin

Buddies,


I jus herd th news that Pluto aint a planet in our soler systm no more.

If I was presdent rite now, Id call on Congress to appropriate funds to spply enuff coffee, enuff bacon, enuff hardtack, enuff grapeshot, an enuff troops t whup th Secesh

-- Genral Jozef Tecumseh Polanski

where you can stick yer Brusselsprowts

Buddies,

This ones fer those o yous who DONT share my love fer Brusselsprowts.

C.E.M. Joad must have been enjoying the Murrays' hospitality at about the same time I did, but fortunately our visits did not coincide. I say "fortunately" because, as Joad admitted later, he was engaged in playing on this household what he called "practical jokes," and they were of a kind of which I should have been sorry to be suspected. One of them was to upset a large bottle of mucilage over Sir James's worktable, gumming together masses of the invaluable slips of paper with which he was working; another was to carry Brussells sprouts in his pocket from the luncheon table up to the nursery and secrete them inside a child's rocking horse, producing a stench whose source it was almost impossible to locate.

-- Brand Blanshard, "Autobiography"

on th menu -- part 2

Buddies,

AWRITE!

Which one o you fuckrs orderd th friggin Brusselsprowts?

Cause I sure as hell dint cook em things tday fer ME!



(Atchually, I love em ballsy little green basterds, all huddld tgether inna bowl o Polanskis homemade dressin -- stinkin like they got a right to, zif they was little headsa cabbidge or sompm.)

presidential spiel

Buddies,

Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond? "Shaken, not stirred" will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it, with a special spoon, is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.

-- President Josiah Bartlet
April 3, 2002

Me Tarzan. You Jane. Zungawa! We fuckee. Yessee?

Buddies,



An I sppose yous guys got a bettr approach wit da wimmin, rite?

Oh, this I GOTTA hear!

-- Joey Mission
Strait Shootr
Alfa Male

... or get off th potski

Buddies,

A boastful frend o mine tol me tday: "If you can DO it, it AINT braggin."

Im thinkin theres gotta be a refutation lurkin somwheres in th recognition that if ya CANT do it, its BULLSHIT.

downrite dirty n dead

Buddies,

On my way t werk tday, I crosst paffs wit a gaggle o gals who was -- what else? -- a-yappin wit each othr. Walkin fast as I was, I only caugt a little snippit o what they was sayin. Alls I herd was iss:

"On their dethbed, no one evr says, 'I wishd Id kept a cleanr house.'"

Imagine my peace o mind -- already knoin now zackly what my dyin werds is gonna be! Realy! I cant imagin any OTHR regret I mite have. An if yous evr seen how messy my place is, you coont imagin my othr offenses t be any greatr.

-- Sloppy Joey

Muhammad Dali: Th Direcktrs Cut

Buddies,

Kay. Spposn theres a pitchr o Muhammad Ali, an spposn somone draws a Salvador Dali moostash onnit. An spposn somone shows ya th pitchr an calls it "Muhammad DALI." Whaddya say?

(*a silent audience sits in rapt attention*)

Well, Muhammad Ali was a boxr, rite? An Salvador Dali was a painnr, rite? A painnr paints on canvas, yes? Canvas is what covrs th floor of a boxin ring, see? So you coud say sompm like, "I bet THAT guy put a lotta fokes down on th ol canvas!"

(*audience laughter dissolves into wild applause*)

Also, Ali was a real slick boxr, wif realy fast hans an a real quick leff jab. Boxrs who jab their oponents silly are offn said to be "paintin em" wit da jab. Painnrs offn paint peoples faces, an lotsa painnrs go fru periods where they specialy like usin one patickuler color. So a painnr mite have a "blue period," fer xample. So maybe you coud say sompm like "His first attemps at paintin peoples faces usherd in his red period."

(*despite tears of laughter, audience stands to applaud*)

Now, ya all seen that mos famous Dali paintin -- th one wit da meltin clocks. You also kno that a clock is usd to time th rounds inna prize fight. So you coud evn say sompm like "In his whole career, he was nevr countd out -- cause the time-clock kep meltin."

(*a pretty young blonde woman runs on stage and kisses the presenter, is swarmed by armed officers amid raucous cheers*)

Now, now, fokes ... Please, calm down.

(*cheering continues*)

Please ... PLEASE! CALM DOWNski! ... PLEASE!

(*uproar subsides to a contented murmur*)

Kay, now. You kno that durin a prize fight, a fightrs cornrmen offn smear Vaseline on th fightrs face, sos t make his oponents mitts slide off an have less impackt on th fightrs moosh. An spposn I toldja that a few years aftr Dali painnid them meltin clocks, he painnid sompm else wich he calld The Great Masturbator. Now, can any o yous tell me sompm else ya might say, when confronnid wit dat pitchr o Muhammad Dali?

(*audience stares back in complete silence, uncomprehendingly*)

-- Joey Polanski
From the inspirational lecture-series:
Spottin Whats Funny Wifout Losin a Eye

smelluva nothr chick

Buddies,

Walkin home from werk yestrday, I stoppd like I always do an waitd to cross a street; an jus like it always happms, a buncha impatient fokes brushd rite past me an crossd th street against th lite.

Well one o th fokes who brushd past me this time was a ol lady, an she brushd past me close enuff sos I coud get a wiff o th scent she was wearin. Ocourse, it was Eau de Ol Lady. Yall smellt it bfore. Yer grammaw wore it. So did at least one o yer aunts -- maybe not all of em, but th realy OLD ones all did. An if ya evr been to a Sundey church service, then thats probly ALL you smellt there -- unlessn that was a day they happmd t be burnin incense or holocaustin a goat or sompm like att.

Anyhow, it got me thinkin: Are ol ladys jus natcherly attracktd to that patickuler scent, or does any scent on a ol lady end up somhow smellin like that? Heck! Fer all I kno, that scent mite be made outta stewd ol ladys!

But just once Id like t have a ol lady brush past me close enuff fer me t smell er, an she smells, like, totaly sexd up! Like, one wiffy, an I gots me a stiffy! Like, suddnly senility an spport-hose seems somhow sexy!

You DID hear me when I said JUST once, dintcha? I mean, once REALY oughtta be enuff -- trus me! Im quite sure aftr that, th nitemaresll recur all on their own.

partyin, Donner-style

Buddies,

Okay, I was just a- ...

... uhhh ...

(*snickr ... chuckle ... snortski*)

...

Mmmm-hmmm ... Kay. Where was I now? Ummm ...

...

OH! ... AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...

WHEW!

...

HOOOOO-boy! Fuck me, if that wunt GREAT!

$0.22

Buddies,

Wile out walkin yestrday, I foun twenny-two cents a-sittin on th sidewalk. Two dimes an two pennys, just a-sittin ere.

Turns out some wiseass was playin a trick, tho. Them coins was Crazy-Glued to th cment o th sidewalk.

...

Ummm ...

... Like, I coud tell em coins was glued down jus by lookin at em. They lookd pretty immovable. It aint like I tryd to pick em up or nothin. I aint THAT hard up fer cash!

...

Ykno, now that I thinka it, I think my foot kinda brushd em coins wile I was walkin by em, not bothrin t pick em up. THATs how I coud tell that they was glued down.

...

Yeah. THATs how.

...

...

KAY! LIKE, I DINT TRY T PICK EM DAM THINGS UP, AWRIGHT? I DINT! I DINT! I ALREADY GOTS TWENNY-TWO CENTS SOMEWHERES!

Muhammad Dali

Buddies,

Mooey surrealisto, no?

Chimp-in-Chief

Buddies,

Munky see ...

... munky do.

Anothr munky do too.

Mad Mel

Buddies,

Hey, did Mel Gibson realy lawnch inta some drunken tirade bout how th Jews start all th wars wile he was bein arrestd fer dopey drivin?

What a maroon! Talkin rligion an geopoliticks when hes just a actr / direcktr!

As a acomplishd actr / direcktr, youd think hed stick to talkin what he knose best: Jews cntrol Hollywood an th whole movie industry. That we ALL kno. I mean, how else dya esplain that limey lookout in Titanick hollerin "Weissberg, right ahead!" jus bfore th ship meets its tragick fate?

An altho its been a long time since I las took in a movie at a theatr, I woont be sprised none if, wile stoppin in th lobby to buy me some Jujubees, I find my choices limitd to eithr Jujujews or Hebebees.

--Jujuey Polansky

Whatee thay? Whatee thay?

Buddies,

Somtimes I laff at fokes causa what they say.

Far too offn, tho, I laff at fokes cause I cant unnerstan a single friggin werd that comes outta their moufs.

Heres some xamples:

Chubby Chaney
Th Little Rascals

Ol Chub was abl t speak onscreen fer ten full seckons atta time witout utterin one single distinguishble werd. I suspeckt he was jus ... ummm ... emblubberatd to th point of unintelligibility.

Little Jackie Wright
Th Benny Hill Show

Lil Jack musta been about a hunnert n fifty years old. Also, he was Irish. Thus, he was probly inebriatd, an mos DEFINITLY embrogued, to th point of unintelligibility. Is suspeck he coud tell th Pope a drty joke an still come away wit a blessin.

Tattoo
Fanissy Iland

First, Tattoo was French. Secon, he had a lithp. Mos importntly, he was a homunckulus. Alla this made him soun sorta like Benjamin Nettinyahoo on helium AND crank -- wit a French acsent AND a lithp t boot. Id say he was homunckulatd an enlithpd to th point of unintelligibility.

Arnold Shortzenhugger
Th Governator

Big Ahhhnold is Awstrian. Hes also evn more musslboun than our own favrit piece o beefcake. Im sayin hes ensteroided to th point of unintelligibility. Me an my brothr Piet usta rent his movies jus so we coud keep askin each othr "Whatd e say that time?"

Th Munchkin Coroner
Th Wizerd of Oz

All Munchkins are kinda hard t unnerstan, but I was nearly traumatizd when I herd th Munchkinland Coroner pernounce th Wickid Witch o th East oficialy dead. Th guy was ... ummm ... entremoloed to th point of unintelligibility.

Okay, OKAY! I cnfess it! I atchualy DID unnerstan what th Coroner sang -- but only cause I coud kinda glean it from th context. I figgerd as th coroner, hed jus HAFTA aver that he thoroghly xamind evry woud-be fatality at th scene o any acsident in Munchkinland; an as this patickuler woud-be fatality was a witch who jus got totaly took out by a fallin farmhouse, surely any coroner werf his formaldahyde wouda found her dead -- not jus merely, but indeed most sincerely. Hence th ... ummm ... th averration.

Theres probly more fokes that blong on this list, but eithr I aint able to think o their names rite now or, more likely, I was nevr able t discern their friggin names t begin wif.