bullsheets

Buddies,

Why make yer bed aftr breakfast, if yer jus gonna sleep innit again aftr suppr?

Same idea: Why clean yer coffeepot tday, if yer jus gonna make more coffee innit tmorra mornin?

PolanskiSpeak Lessn #1: A unmade bed is "unpretentious an inviting." A cruddy coffeepot is "well-seasond."

Lucy inda Sky wit Diamons -- circa 1915

Buddies,

I was readin a book about some ol-time Harvard perfessers an one of em was this guy namd Hugo Munsterberg. He was a pioneer in experimentl psickology back in th ol Werld War I daze.

Anyhow, in this bookski, it say that he "was fond of scientifically demonstrating sexual differences by 'careful experiments' and statistics ..." Then it say

From his experiments he concluded that women ... abstained from stimulants not because of moral superiority but because they inherently possessed the heightened emotions men must seek in alcohol.

Kay. What Im gettin from this is that ya aint likely t see too many female lushs, cause chicks happm t be drunk by their very nature.

Ts nice t see sience cnverge wit common sense, ainit?

"Omina koydum"

Buddies,

Heres sompm I red recently in th book, Midnight Express:

Across from me one man sat on the edge of his bunk muttering "Omina koydum." I'd heard the expression before, back in Sagmalcilar. (Literally, it means "I put it in her cunt"; but the Turks in prison use the expression much like an American would say "Ya know? Ya know?")

I dont no about you, but Im sure glad that I dont live inna culture where th standard rsponse to "I put it in her cunt" woud be sompm like "Yeah. I gess."

of balls n buns

Buddies,

Las nite I hadda dream that I was a majr leag ballplayr an I struck out Barry Bonds on only three pitchs. They was all calld strikes too: he nevr evn took th bat offa his friggin sholdr. I was a-paintin th cornrs o th strike-zoneski! No man livin or dead couda hit my doubl-onion split-fingr fastbagel.

Oh, yeah ... Fergot t tell ya ... I was hurlin bagels nsteada baseballs. Thems real good fer throwin th offspeed stuff, but th rotations kinda ovious.

peeps an privates

Buddies,

Herer 2 things I realy like alot: fresh air & natural daylite. So whenevr Im lookin fer a new place t live, Im always intrestd in th windowage -- how many an what kindski. One o th things that atracktd me to th apartment I live in now is th fack that it gotsa lotta windows, windows facin in 3 diffrent drecktions, an a nice ovrhang all roun, sos I can have th windows opn evn when its rainin (unlessn theres a REAL strong wind blowin).

Here anothr thing I realy like alot: privacy. I hate th idea o somone lookin in my windows. So when I look fer a new place, I wont even bothr lookin at a partment on th groun floor. (Nfact, I also hate fokes walkin roun an droppin stuff above my ceilin, sos I wont nevr live inna partment that aint on th TOP floor.)

So when I firs lookt at the place Im livin in now, I pracktickly had a friggin hard-on -- cause its on th top floor an causa all th windows. Theres only one thing that cncernd me: th bildins bout a cars widt away from anothr partment bildin, an th bedroom window o one o th partments in that othr bildin looks dreckly inta one o th windows o my bedroom. I sure as hell dont want no one lookin at me wilst Im playin roun in my bedroom, ya no?

So whadoo I do bout thatski? Do I keep that one window closd an keep th blines drawn at all times? Well, thatd be fine, cept that windows th only window on that side o th partment. There usta be anothr one in th baffroom, but th lanlord was in th process o coverin thatn up by puttin in a hole new showr. I told im Id rathr have th window an a ol bafftub, but he wannad t put in that new showr. My lanlord looks like a cross btween (a) Mr Clean an (b) Doc Murk, so Im pretty sure (a) that he coud beat hell outta me any friggin time he want to an (b) that hed probly enjoy doin so. So -- bottm line -- I gots a new showr an one less window on that side o th partment.

Well, GESS WHAT! Lady lucks wit me, cause it turns out I dont hafta werry bout nuffin! Seems th fokes cross th alleyway from me are evn MORE cncernd bout ME lookin inta their bedroomski, cause theys got that window plasterd ovr sompm fierce wit some kinda thick tarplike mterial! So their windows an blines are closd alla time, an my windows an blines are opn alla time.

I gess this is a littla whatcha mite call "transalley symbiosis."

Bless This House. Thisn too.

Buddies,

Witout intendin it, I went t werk tday wit four rosaries an two Monopoly houses in my pants pockit.

Beat DAT, fer bzarr!

gimme that ol time bribery, part 2

Buddies,

You probly wont blieve this, but Joey Polanski is a painstakinly law-abidin sorta guy. Wit da job I got, I damwellbettr be. In alla my fortysome years, Ive had only one scrape wit da law, an that was about ten years ago -- fer walkin my dogski (my real dogski, that is) offa leash. My naybrs usta marvle at how well-bhaved my dog was off his leash; but that dint stop th Dpartment o Animl Cntrol from writin me a $25 citation (wich come t bout $50, wit cort costs).

Anyhowski, Im so painstakinly law-abidin by nature that when I walk to an from werk, I nevr cross streets against th lite -- evn when there aint no sign o any cars comin, an evn when othr fokes is crossin against th lite. An wile I am a little annoyd by th self-importnt way in wich these fokes brush past me an stroll across th street, as if sayin "Yer laws dont apply t ME -- not when I got PLACES T BE!", I aint so tite-asst as t go ahead an atcualy SAY SOMPM to em bout it. I mean: at th enda th day, whatnaheck do I care wethr these fokes do or dont obey th law?

But jus tday, as I was walkin home from werk, I foun myself stoppd at a streetcorner, waitin fer a WALK signal. An suddnly Im aware that Im standin pretty close to a row o parkin metrs. An theres a COP cllectin up th money from them parkin metrs. I gess youd call this cop a "metr-maid" if it was a chick cop, but this was a guy cop. What shoud we call him? A metr-MAN? How bout GIRLY-COP? Yeah, Im gonna go wit "girly-cop."

So girly-cop finishs up cllectin th money an he steps up rite bhind me -- sorta like hes lookin ovr my lef sholdr -- an I no he must be waitin t cross th street too, cause I can see that his frooty little scootr-trucky-thingy is parkd rite on th othr side o that street.

An OH how forchune was a-smilin on me! Cause theres this guy standin on th othr side o th street headin my way, an he aint waitin fer shit. He jus steps rite off th curb an inta th street, walkin against th lite an headin strait fer me an this girly-dude in blue. He mus notta seen girly-cop standin there, on accounta his bein mostly obscurd by this strappin, broad-sholderd an distracktingly hansom Polack. But hes a-crossin. Hes a-breakin th law. And a cops a-standin rite there watchin.

When th desprado is rite smack in th middle o th street, Im haff-expectin some kinda dynamick Starsky & Hutch musick t start playin, cause I no that girly-cop is gonna spring inta action. An right on cue, as Mr Dillingr steps up onta th curb where Im standing, girly-cop steps out from bhind me an (pick one):

1. steps inta th street an crosses against th lite his own dam self.


2. draws his gun an hollrs at th lawbreakr, "Freeze, muhfuckr!"


3. lets his tazr do th talkin.


4. branes th guy wit a sack fulla quartrs, nickles, an dimes.


5. nods plitely to th lawbreakr an says "Good aftrnoon." Th rat-basterd!


6. whatevr you say (please spessify).

stupidity check

Buddies,

Is there anything stupidr than buyin plastick plates sos t keep from havin t wash yer reggalr plates, an then makin a pracktice o washin th dam plastick plates?

Im jus wondrin if I got a shot at makin it inta th Giness Book o Werld Reckrds fer sompm.

gimme that ol time bribery

Buddies,

Displaying this decal does not confer any special privilege, benefit, or membership to the donor.

This was prinnid on th back of a stickr sent t me by th State Fraternal Ordr o Police, aftr I rsponded favrably to their telefone slicitation of a $25 pledge.

Yeah, shit! NOW they friggin tell me!

a sillygism

Buddies,


... provin, by th ol deducktive logick, that youll surely be gay when ya get whatcha got comin in th end.

"Operatr, gimme al-Qa`ida ..."

Buddies,

You fokes all no th news: Th National Scurity Agentsy has cmpild reckerds of th fone calls ordnary Americans been placin to each othr over the past three years. In this effert, they was aided by many o th biggist telecmmunications compnys -- like AT&T, Verizn, an Bell Souf.

Like most Americans, I was outragd t lern of this.

Jus this mornin, I herd on th radio that my fone compny -- a smallr compny -- was among th ones that flat-out rfused t help th NSA in bildin th fone-reckerd database. So the goverment dont no who I been callin. You can just imagine how I felt when I lernt this.

Cmpletely left out an damd unimportnt.

tryd n true

Buddies,

Rmembr a few posts back, when I toldjas how a local cmmunity collidge hold some of its classes in th bildin where I werks? Well, somtimes Im inna psition t hear some o what gose on in some o them classrooms. Thats hows come Im so edjumacatd, see?

But anyhowski, I was lissnin in on one o them classes jus tday, an I herd th teachr ask a studnt t tell th class in dtail whats th diffrence btween a dclarative sentence thats true an one thats false. Th studnt said sompm like iss: "Well, evry dclarative sentence trys t capture a fackt; an when it suckseeds, then its true; an when it fails, then its false."

"Th poor littl falsehood," thunk I. "Dont they give no points fer effert?" I foun myself wantin t cuddl that valyant littl fib an say, "Cheer up, littl NotSo. Prhaps if ya keep tryin real hard, you can grow up t be a trufe -- when th werld wit its evr-elusive fackts is ready for ya. Dry them eyes, littl inacuracy. Thinka bout those less fortchunate than yerself. Some falshoods is downrite self-contrdicktery, an thus is about as likely t catch a fackt as Shemp is t snag a realy hot chick."

alternative reality

Buddies,

Bravo, which is th ... ummm ... th Film & Arts Netwerk, usta carry a reality show calld Queer Eye Fer th Strate Guy. It cennerd on a hanful o gay guys who woud oversee th makeovr o some strate guy sos t make him more apealin ... well ... to gay guys.

Now Bravo carrys almos nothin BUT reality shows. Ones about a hairdressr. Anothrs about a buncha fashion designrs. Yet anothrs about a buncha chefs.

Whatll it be next -- ballet dancrs or priests?

when only th best will do, but only less than th best is available

Buddies,

I red this in th ottobiografy o Bertrand Russell:

Bob Trevelyan was, I think, the most bookish person that I have ever known. What is in books appeared to him interesting, whereas what is only real life was negligible. ... He was always discovering new poets and readin their poems aloud, but he always began deprecatingly: "This is not one of his best poems." Once when he mentioned a new poet to me, and said he would like to read me some of his things, I said: "Yes, but don't read me a poem which is not one of his best." This stumped him completely, and he put the volume away.

Raise yer han if you got at least one frend who wouda red ya th dam pome anyhowski.

Rform

Buddies,

Nutty basterd riskd his stupid fuckin neck las nite stackin up three HUGE plastick garbidge cans -- THREE OF EM -- jus so he coud clime up em an cut th screen of my kitchin window, bust out th glass, an entr my apartment ilegaly. I awoke t find him standin at th kitchin sink, doin th dishs I left settin ovrnite.

Since washin dishs is a job Id realy rathr not do myself, I invitd th guy t stick aroun on sorta a gest werkr program. An I took th screens offa alla my windows, hopin that mite keep me from havin t do th lawndry tmorra.

Th nite was humid ...

Buddies,

At th behest of th ministrs daughtr, I rmovd my coat an settld inta th chair oppasit her.

"You got quite a behest," I said, litin her cigrette. "I rathr like what you done wit it."