th firs blog I ever seen

Buddies,

Bloggins all th rage tday. I mean evryones gotta blog nowadaze right? But I can member seein a blog bfore there was a innernet an a werlwide webski. Got that? A WEBlog bfore there was a WEB! What I mean is iss. Back when I was in collidge I was takin a class an when I was in that class I alwas sat inda same seat evry day. Th seat hadda desk atatched to it ocourse an I usta notice that several foke were writin stuff on that desk -- ya no, backnfort like, jus like thay was postin coments onna blog. I dint never post nothin on that blog cause I was raisd Roamin Catlick an when I was in Catlick sckool I had this nun fer a teacher namd Sister Aureola an she seemd t no zackly what torments awayt a person in pergitree fer whatever kinda sin ya cmitted durin yer life an tho I dont member what she said the pennlty was fer writin onna desk I no I sure musta blievd it cause I never did no postin onnat blogski. But anyhow I do member 2 things I red onnat verry firs blog, cause ocourse thay was funny. One ovem was a exchange where one persen was talkin bout goin t some rock concert that was comin up anee said sompm like "Ill be there inna loge -- drinkin away!" an somone postd this responce: "Aww, put down th Mannashevitz an watch th fuckin show!" DANG, that was funny! But th other thing I member readin was even funnyer -- an funny in that kinda unesplainable way. Somone rote fer no aparent reasen "Bond. James Bond" -- ya no, like James Bond alway says innis movies. An somone else rote in response "You. Fuck you." On my bes day I aint that funny!

anew star in th galixy

Buddies,

Joey found another werthwile blog, an another witty Playalonger. There aint mennya those out there, sos I gotta cllect em all fer ya t link up to here. Thisuns TidBitz and HissyFitz. HissyFitz livs inda Hawayan nayberhooda Souf Park, and she gots th only blog I no that featchures a rackoon eatin pink shoelace. No waitaminnit, that souns like the lace eats the koon. She gotta pink shoelace eatin rackoon. No, that souns like the koons pink. Heck you jus gotta check out her blog yer own self an see whats doin.

Now lets revu, since theres been this huge splosion in the netwerka Playalongers.

1. Little Noodles World! is where youll get yer witn wizdom in lil bites. Youll laff till ya cry, an youll never no why.
2. Party Vikings is where youll find Tommys True Tales. Theser tales tol by thisa Talian New York acter name Tom Serafini. (Those who no im well call im Robert DNiro. Those who no im eebmbetter call im Rupert Pupkin.) Toms storysll make ya laff -- AN YOULL SURE AS HECK NO WHY!
3. Murk's World is where youll find Dr. Robert J. Murk -- one o th firs Playalongers I found in the blogasfear. He gotsa sports blog too. I new Doc Murk whenee was jus a bluecoller lunchbuckit blogger like th resta us, but now es involvd wit a nopperation called Hill TV. If ya wanna, you can reeda bout my firs encouner wit da Doc by clickin here. Ocourse I refer ya to da Doc, but be carefull causee barks alot an bites a littl.

dam metric system

Buddies,

Whats colder -- a welldiggers ass, a witchs tit, a brass munkeys balls, or a fiddlers bitch? My dad usta make allathese pointsa refrence when reportin winter tempatures, an I ain even sure what a fiddlers bitch is, let a lone how cold ones sposta be. But its gettin colder now where I am an I gotta be ready t rport the facks ackuritly.

bitesize biscuits o wit n wizdom

Buddies,

Kay fokes, I found another blog that makes me laff alla time, an whats specialy funny is that wile Im laffin I cant even esplain why Im laffin! Anyhow Im puttin up a new linkski. This ones to Little Noodles World! Lil Noodles posts are short enuff t fit inna fortchin biscuit, but da wit hit ya like saki an da wizdom stick wit ya longern chow main. Get there!

watch my languidge

Buddies,

I was gonna say that The West Wings got balls where Comander in Cheef dont.

But that woud be in bad taste, woont it?

Hey, Yer a Alkaholic, Aintcha?

Buddies,

I was watchin this movie bout this chick that hadda drinkin problem cause her husban was like a astranott an she was always afeard that he was gonna get kilt in outerspace or sompm. Now there aint nothin funny bout that, but it was funny that she dint no she hadda drinkin problem till she took this test in some chicks magazene like Cosmapollitin. The hedline in th mag was sompm like "Is Yer Drinkin a Problem?" an summa da questions on th test were like "Dyou tryta hide yer drinkin?" an "When did you firs start drinkin?" Now that got me athinkin. Ida figgerd a question like "Dyou have a drinkin problem?" or "Dyou drink too fuckin much?" would justabout do it fer that kinda test. But I guess ya gotta be a littl more suttle an serch fer like th warnin sines ofa drinkin problem. So howsa bout these questions?

When did you start drinking TDAY?

Dyou drink gin or bourbn t cover yer wisky breaff?

Dyou ever drink outta anything biggern yer bafftub?

Ya no, ya gotta figger anyone whos atchually takin th tests probly a lush anyhow. So th tests gotta cntain questions as loaded as th tesstakers emselfs.

a acter wit balls

Buddies,

Hey Im addin t my blogski a linkski to Tommys True Tales -- othrwise nown as Party Vikings. Toms a acter, but he can sure tell the funny story. I mean its werth atchually takin time t read if ya like t laff like I do. Check im out!

th more elaberate th icing, th more suspect th cake

Buddies,

Back in my ol collidge days, the students and teechers in my dpartment usta hang around alot wit each other. I mean we usta have a lotta parties mixin students and perfessers. Well after a wile there was this perfesser from another dpartment who started hangin wit us. All the girl students seemd t like this guy, even though he was kindofa chubby boy who lookd kinda like Pres Bushs bitch Karl Rove. Ill jus go ahed and call this guy Karl Rove even tho is name was Tim Malone. Anyhow the perfessers in my dpartment were almos as much in aw o this Karl Rove guy as the girl students were. Thay were in aw o the fact that Karl Rove had this BOFFO SOCKO wife. His wife was a academic too, an she was real acomplishd an DAM PRETTY! Whats more, she dint live in th same town as Karl Rove. She was a eastcoaster, teachin at some prestidgous sckool back east. Thats why the girl students in my dpartment felt thay coud flirt wit dis guy so much. But now heres th thing. Karl Rove dumped that pretty smart wifa his, and e quickly married this gradjuate student innis own dpartment. An lemme tell ya bout her! She almost had kindofa goth look, cept she never went in fer all that piercin stuff. No, she jus had this real black hair an these real black eybrows an this real white face an these real red lips, an she likedta wear black close alla time. But heres th thing now. She had that real white face an them real red lips an them real black eybrows cause she wore enuff makup onner face t keep Max Facter in silk sheets an champaine from now till dumesday! I mean her face lookt lika China Doll, all powder an ruje an maskara an real wet lookin lipstick. An you shouda seen all them academic nerds fallin over emselfs in th presence of the prinscess! But NOW I come t th FUNNY parta th story! I herd from a frienda mine whos wife was also a grad student in Karl Roves dpartment that once Karl Rove gotta look at his new bride without er mask on he atchually TOLD er that he dint wanna see er in th mornin until she put er makup on! GOT THAT? Like es sayin, "I married a illusion an I dont wanna hafta wake up to a reality!"

Th lesson here? Well go reread the headline o this post!

get yer ass up that Hill!

Buddies,

Normaly Id never tell ya t click away from The Joey Polanski Show, but yer assisstance is needed in the midst of the latest tragedy and Im gonna send ya onna mission. I just visted Doc Murks blog an he says that traffic over at Hill TV has dropt so drasticly that hes thinkin o calllin up Pres Bushs axed FEMA directer Mike Brown to manidge th disasster. Now we dont want all that big goverment do we? An we dont wanna drag Mike Brown away from his tru calling -- shovelin Arabian horsshit -- do we? NO! We can take cara this on are own. Hit the Hill, troops! Thats a order!

Seriosly fokes, theres a lot at steak here. I never seen the good Doc like this. Never seen im so ... so broke down ... so vulneribble ... so in touch wit his femnine side ... so dam soft an adoribble! If trafic at Hill TV dont pick up soon, my cmpassion might blossom inta genuine love. YOU MUSSNT LET THAT HAPPM! I cant aford th sycotherapy Id need, and you can bet Ill file a ass-claction lawsute against evry friggin webuser in the universe if I gotta see a hed-shrinker other than the good Doc isself.

So Im countin on ya -- AND Im gonna be checkin up on yer work! If within 7 days I dont see Dr. Murk back t bein the insuferably cocky basterd he was put on this erth t be, then Im gonna hold alla you fokes responsible, and I will hit someone wit my purse. Its beaded and was made by Monicka Luwinski, so its fat as hell annits sure gonna hurt.

Spare yerself th pain. Click here ta hit the Hill! Or use the links I got listed under my profile.

mora what I was jus wonderin

Buddies,

I been doin smore wonderin. Whaddya think?

How much is it costin us in dolars an cents to make up 50 differnt kindsa quarters and 50 differnt kindsa nickles? A penny fer yer thougts, but Im gessin it aint jus nickles an dimes.

If the guy who wins a majer golf turnament gets a awful lookin green jackit, then whatsa loser get -- a Herb Tarlek coat?

Does Snoop Dogg have any street cred now that es given up gun shots fer golf shots? Apearin inna cmmercial walkin downa fareway wit Lee Iacoka sugjests that ol Snoops just another corprit bitch, no?

Aint the stone age contraptions ya see on the Flinstones just as amazin as the space age gadjets ya see on the Jetsons?

If th Rushins say thay built a secrit hi teck armered veicle but we dont believe em, shoud we refer to it as a sceptic tank?

playin wit power tools

Buddies,

Whyd man invent power tools? Ida figgerd it was not jus t make tuff jobs easy but also t make long jobs quick. But that dont seem to hapm so much, dose it? Seems like therer some guys wholl take twice as long t do a job wit a power tool as itd takem t do wit a ol hand tool! Like a few years ago I usta live nextdoor ta dis guy Pissy Bitch. Well, that wunt really is name, but I usta callim that cause he was this real pissy bitch. A real winey fat boy, ya no? His wife was twice as maskaline as he was. In fact she mighta passed fer Shon Konery I think. I calld her Snaggltooth Bitch. (Notiss the famly name?) They hadda dawter that look just like fat Pissy Bitch cept she had a moostash an he dint. I calld her Ignerant Hump. But she aint got nuthin t do with this storey. Its Pissy Bitch. He had a yard that was like th size of a postidge stamp, ya no? Like a reggaler size lawn in a normal residential nayberhood. Ya couda mode that lawn wit nuttin but a hand moer inna bouta haffower. Wit a power moer ya could dunnit inna bout twenny minnets. No what? Pissy Bitch had isself a friggin RIDE ON moer! An ya no what else? Fucker usta take all afternoon t mo that friggin patcha grass! I mean he usta drive that basterd round in these tite littl circles cause the lawn was so small he coonta rode that thing fer any strech witout hittin sompm. Nextdoor t Pissy Bitch was this other nayber, Decrepit Drunk Fucker I calld im. I once lookt out my windo an I seen im wit a chansaw. There was some kinda post stickin up outta the middla his backyard annit lookt like he was gonna cut on it. Well e did. E cut offa bout 2 inchs offa th toppa that post. Thenee cut offa bout 2 more inchs. Then 2 more. Ya no he cut that sunnuvvabbitchin post alla way downta th grownd?! Bout ten friggin cuts t get the thing down t th grownd! Give the basterd a handsaw an heeda made one cut at grownd level right? But the guy hadda noisy power tool annee wunt gonna pass uppa chance ta play wit it fora wile! THATS why man invented power tools -- t have fun wit makin lotsa noise fora long time on what woud othrwise be a dull quiet Satterday afternoon.

I was jus wonderin

Buddies,

I aint been bloggin in a wile, an when I aint bloggin Im thinkin. An when I spend any kinda time thinkin, I aways end up wit more question than answer. So heres some o what I was jus wonderin.

Whatta ya sposta call th snaky hose thing ya find on some kichen sinks that ya use t spray yer dinner dishs?

If someone says ya dont no squat, how hard shoud ya try to proov othrwise?

If ya hadta invent an award to give to Maurice Claret, what woud th award be?

Whats sexier, a chick who rites in pensil and dose a lotta erasin, or a chick who rites in pen and uses a lotta wite out, or a chick who dont rite nuthin and never fucks nuthin up neather?

If Im thinkin when I aint bloggin, dose that mean that when Im bloggin I aint thinkin?

good sports: pizza an eggs

Buddies,

Wanna no one o th things thats rong wit da werld? It aint just that lotsa fokes lacka sensa humer -- tho thats shirley a part of it. Its more that even fokes wit a good sensa humer dont no howta deel wit someone else havin fun. Like ya ever notice how comedians act when Stuttering John goofs on em on the Howerd Stern Show? Thay get all bent outta shaep, dont thay? There werse than noncomedians at seein th humer in the shtick, aint thay? Well I think gettin thru life happy dmands not only likin t have fun but also findin the funny in the stuff that other fokes do -- even when there makin funna you or jus pullin yer leg. Like I usta have this frend Richerd Bear. Well atchually he was a good frend of this guy Pat who was a good frenda mine, but I got to know Richerd a littl bit wen I visted Cincinatti an Chickago back in my old collidge days. Anyhow, Richerd usta like t fuck wit peaple he dint even no -- ya no, playful like. Like wen wed go to a restraunt hed like t place funny orders an see how the waters and watresss reack to em. Me an Pat an Richerd went t this Talian restraunt in Chickago an we wer gonna order a pizza. There was another guy there wit us namd Nim. I dont no what kinda name that is, but I member that this guy coudnt spell fer shit, so mabey his name was sompm else but e just spellt it Nim. But he aint parta the story reely, I dont no why I told ya bout him. Just wannad t put ya there I gess. Anyhow, this youngn pretty watress come up t are table an she ask us what we wannad t order an we said pizza, an she ask us what topins we wannad on th pizza an we told er. I dont member what we told er, but we told er, an it dont realy matter what we told er zackly. What matter is what Richerd says t her. He says "An coud you put the topins on the bottom?" An Richerd an th watress get inta this long discushion. She keep tellin im that thats how thay usually do it -- topins on the botom an evrything, enfasizin that the cheeze go on last, the cheeze gose over th topins. Richerds sure she dont get it, and finely Pat steps in an e says t th watress "No, he wants ya t put th crust on th top!" An you no what the watress dose? Ida figgerd sheda got all pissy and try to show how UNamused she was. But she just give Richerd a big ol playful slap on the sholder! Ya know, like she node him all her life and was just sayin t us "There gose Richerd, bein a dick as usual!" She was a good sport! But Richerd ran inta a even beter sport another time when goin out fer breckfass. He went t this diner that had in th windo a sign that said "EGGS -- ANY STYLE" and when the water came to the table to take th order Richerd orderd eggs, and when the water ast Richerd how he wanted the eggs cookt Richerd says "I here you make em ANY STYLE. THATS zackly how I wannem!" The water looks funny at Richerd an says "No, you gotta TELL US what style ya want us to cook the eggs. Well cook em however ya tell us to." An Richerd says "Okay I want the eggs to be crackt by a gerilla standing on one leg, wholl then throw em over is leff sholder over a lit match bein held up by a hunchback on stilts." No what the water said? He jus look at Richerd and say "Were all outta that." AHHH! All outta it! Like they serve em jus like at so offen that thay cant serve that no more jus now! What, the hunchback get tired or sompm? Gerilla go back to da zoo fer the nite? So Richerd starts out fuckin wit da guy and da guy ends up fuckin wit Richerd rite back! That IS zackly what Richerd wannad! THAT guy was a good sport. That was a good breckfass! I wish there were more guys in the world like that water!

C.U. Later -- this boys goin to th majers!

Buddies,

Now now loyel readers, stop the lamintations an th palpitations. It aint what ya think! I ainta bouta bandon my blogski fer some glam site -- though "Polanskis Polish Princesss" is a pretty dam good idea fer one fya ask me. Stoo bad thay dont allow no porn on the innernet, rite? No, Im gonna be a majer leage base baller! I figgered out the sure way to get t th bigs! Think I been dvelopin a splitfingur fassball or a nuckler? Think I been practisin switch hittin? Think I been tryin t be both pitcher and catcher like Mike Peeatsya? RONG! Itsa lot easiern at, Buddies! Im jus gonna change my name and pick what teem I wanna play fer. See during evry offseason and rite aroun the trade deadline durin th seasen therer alway a lotta trades goin on and ya always hearabout trades involvin a player to be named Later. Well to this day I aint never herd o no baseballer named that, and it donned on me that its GOTTA be someone whos willin t CHANGE is name to that. Its alway a player TO BE NAMED Later -- a players whos willin t take on the name. I'm willin! I mean I aint never herda no base baller named Polanski neather, ya no? Im gonna be C. U. Later! You can figger out what the C an the U stan fer. Me Im gonna be too busy hittin homers an taken staroids and grabbin my joint and all the things big leage ballers do.

brilyance like mine dont come easy

Buddies,

I no I no, you guyser wundrin how I couda perdicted a big win fer Lil Franky Solichs Ohio U Bobcats over Nortwestern only t have Nortwestern win 38-14 yestrday. I can esplain. Brilyance like mine is SO profound that even I have troubl espressin it likitysplit. Of corse I made a corect perdiction -- that gose witout sayin. All I gotta esplain is why it endid up lookin so rong. You can take yer pick from the followin esplanations.

Firs, it was Nortwestern verses Lil Frankys team. Wen I thinka Nortwestern, I thinka Gary Barnette, who brougt the usually sucky Nortwestern team t nationl prominence a while back wen he was there head coch. Gary Barnette is now the head coch of the Colerado Buttflows. The Colerado Buttflows played the Colerado State Rams yestrday. The Buttflows were faverd by 7 points, but won by only 3. So wen I thinka Nortwestern, I thinka a team that getsa bout 4 fewer points than thay shood. So I was figgerin tha Nortwestern wooda gotta bout 34 points yesterday, steada 38. An wen I thinka Lil Franky Solich, I thinka the Nebraski Cornhuskers, who he usta coach until a coupla yearsa go. The Cornhuskers playd the Main Blackberrys, who aint even in Division 1a. There wunt no line on that game, but the biggist point spred yestrday was 40 points -- th Texist Longbones over Lou Laffy. So Nebraski musta been spected to beet Main by at leest 40 points. But Nebraski beet the Blackberrys by only 18 points. Th score was 25-7. So Nebraski was asposta get at least 22 more then thay got. Lil Frankys Cornhuskers wooda coverd that spred. So wen I was thinkin yestrday of Lil Frankys teem, I was thinkin of a teem that wooda got at leest 22 more points than Bill Calahans teem. ARR YOU DOIN TH RITHMATICK HERE FOKES? This wooda made th score Bobcats 47 Nortwestern 34. So I made th rite perdiction, rite?

Secon, Lil Franky usta coch at Nebraski. In Lil Frankys hayday the big rivle was Oklahomer. So the big game evry year was NU verses OU. Now Lil Franky cochs at Ohio U, an yestrday his teem faced Nortwestern. So it was OU agenst NU. Lil Franky alway werked t help NU beet OU. So when I perdicted yestrday that Lil Frankys teem would win, I was thinkin that NU would clobbr OU. An thats what happmd, rite?

Third, cats have alway confusd me. Nortwesterns the Wildcats, Lil Frankys teems the Bobcats. Pitsburgs the Panters. I think wen I was thinkin that Lil Frankys Bobcats wood win yestrday, I was thinkin thayd clobbr Panters steada Wildcats. Upon reflection Ida seen how a Wild cat cood tare up a Bobcat. But notta Panter. So what I was sayin is that Lil Frankys Bobcats arr gonna tare up the Pit Panters, who thay play nex. Take it from me fokes. I aint bin rong yet!

Lil Franky

Buddies,

No who Lil Franky Solich is? Hes a collidge foopball head coch. He cochs the Ohio U Bobcats now, but e usta coch the Nebraski Cornhuskers. Anyway, hes my favrit head foopball coch cause e come from a coupla my hometowns. What I meen is that oncaponnatime I livd in Clevelan Ohio where Lil Franky wenta hi sckool. He wuzza legen there at Holy Nam, a Roamin Catlick hi sckool that usta be all boys but now has girls there. Then later on Lil Franky playd foopball at the U of Nebraski. He wuzza fullback there, and later become a sistent coch there. I livd fer awhile in Linkum Nebraski, and wuz livin there when Lil Franky gotta become the hed cocha the Cornhuskers. But Lil Franky gotta raw deel when thay dumped him a few yeers ago. Witout Lil Franky the Cornhuskers sucked las yeer. Lil Franky dint do no cochin las year, but is now about to coch is firs game wit da Bobcats. The Bobcats are now Joey Polanskis favrit collidge foopball teem, and I jus hadta post my perdiction that there gonna win BIGSKI dis yeer. So now alla yous guys can follow my favrit teem and gimme the bidness whenever thay stink up th joint. Tday there playin Nortwestern and thay offen suck, so mabey Lil Frankys gonna post is firs winna th yeer. But taint jus cause Lil Frankys from summa my hometowns that I think es gonna win. Ever getta lookit im? Es bout 4 foot tall annis ears stick out like ... well ... like Joey Polanskis. E loox lika lil leperkan, like e shood be cochin the Fitin Irish o Noter Dame (wich shood be calld sompm else). Dressin im up in Bobcat green oughta make fer some real good luck, doncha think? So I got th inside dope, see? When Im pruvd rite, Ill be ready t give Murk On Sports a run ferits munny!