little boy bitchs and Beaver

Buddies,

Evr watch Leevitta Beaver? I watch it alla time on TVLand. Aint to many shows that I find as funny as that one. I like shows thatr stoopidfunny, and thats sure one ovem. TVFunhouse is anothern. But I wanna tell ya sompm I noticd in all my yearsa watching the Beav. Beaver Cleavers alway hangin out wit his littl buddies -- I mean when e aint hangin out with his brother Wally an his dickhead pal Eddie Haskell. Eddies a story in imself, but he aint the story Im wantin t tell here. Overtheyears Beavs had alotta lil buddies. Witeys a littl pipsqueek. Larys a big fat kid. Richerds got a lisp. Gilbert talks like mabey es a littl queer. But thay all got one things in comon: evry one of ems a littl bitch! Yeah thats rite, a littl bitch! And you mighta been thinkin that only littl girls could be bitchs, but that aint so. I mean evry time Beavs hangin out wit one o those guys, its the buddy who alway sugjests doin sompm rong. Beav aint never lookin fer no troubble. Like it was Lary who sugges to Beaver that thay smoke Wards Germen pipe and turn it all brown. Wards Beavers father. Lary alsos the one who sugested that they stop pretendin to drill holes with Wards drill an drill some reel holes, and thay end up drillin holes in the walla the garage! And true t form, as soone as its clear that troubles abrewin, Beavs pal bitches up an takes a pouder, leavin the Beav t take the blame. And it dont matter if its Lary or Witey or Richerd or Gilbert. Soon as shit gose rong, each one turns bitch and runs. An thay dont even try t be suttle or clevver bout it. Its as ovious as "I think my moms callin me;" And away the bitch runs -- jus like a Raqi soldger from a fotojernalist wit a fully loded camra! And Beav keeps hangin out witem! Thats what I dont get. I get why Wally keeps hangin out wit Eddie, cause Wally can kick Eddies ass whenever e needs ta. Beav dont have that optchin, cause he cant kick noones ass, not even Judy the little girl bitch innis class.

a few damwellbetters

Buddies,

In the spirt of an earlier post about substutions, I offer the following ... uhhh ... conditional concessions. If the president is gonna conqer some Ayrabb cuntry, then we damwellbetter not hafta pay 2 bucksa gallon fer gasaline. If there gonna put 4 blades inna razer, then I damwellbetter be able t go at least 4 days witout needin a shave. If athletes are gonna use performance inhancin drugs, then they damwellbetter be usin nothin but viagra like Raffy L. Palmero. If yer gonna be sassy, then ya damwellbetter be classy. If th roamin catlick preests aint gonna be alowd t mess around wit no wimmin, then thay damwellbetter not be alowd t messa round wit no littl boys neither. If TV execs ar gonna make TV shows outta peaples real lives, then thay damwellbetter offer an intrestin guy like me a primetime spot and a piece o th back end. If the president is gonna endorce inteligent design as a rival to the theory o evolution, then the president oughta be higher on the evolutionary laddr than a dam ape. If a chicks shoes ar gonna make a silly sound when she walk wit em on th sidewalk, then thay damwellbetter look sooper fuckin hot. If a christian preecher is gonna endorce ass-assination, then he damwellbetter shut the fuck up bout sodomy. And if Im gonna keep ritin these blogposts, then you damwellbetter keep on readin em.

stuck in the snow? just get out!

Buddies,

My brother Piet had a burfday not to long ago an I bougt him a book fer a present. It was a book about th Donner Party. Th Donnr Party was this party held up in the mountins where the snow got so deep that thay coudnt make a beer run for snacks and so thay had t eat each other when the munchies set in. I was riminded of this story that Piet once tol me many many years ago. See there was this family that usta live close ta us named Ross, and Piet was friends with this guy Dave Ross who usta drive Piet t sckool cause them guys went t th same sckool. I went ta a differnt sckool so I hadta here this story from Piet. Dave Ross was a big bulshitter, but that aint what this storys bout. I just hadta mention that cause when I say he was a big bulshitter I mean he was a BIG BULSHITTER! Usta bulshit in ways that was fuckin ovious! Usta say he was a songriter, and when ed rite out his song lirycs thay was lirycs o songs that was currently playin on th radio! I mean I no theres such a thing as a bulshit ARTIST, but there wunt no art to it wit Dave Ross. But anyway this story aint really bout Dave Ross and is bulshittin. Its about Dave Rosss littl brother Denis Ross. I don no if he was a bulshitter to, but ... well ... youll see. He had sompm ELS rong wit im. So heres what Piet tell me one day. Piet gose over t Dave Rosss hous sos he can get a ride t sckool wit Dave Ross, an Denis Ross come in and ask is brother if he can get a ride t sckool wit em cause he gose t th same sckool as Dave Ross and my brother Piet and there was a lotta snow on the grownd cause it was the middl o winter. Dave Ross tells im t go fuckoff. Yoo no how brothers are sometime. Me and Piet new alotta brothers who fuckin hated each other and woudnt help each other fer shit. So Denis Ross leavs the hous and starts walkin to sckool, or mabey to a bustop or sompm. And Dave Ross and my brother Piet sit around lisnin t recerds cause thay got lotsa time bfore thay gotta be headin off t sckool. After a wile Denis Ross come back in th hous and says to is brother Dave Ross "Man you GOTTA gimme a ride t sckool, theres no way I can git there any other way!" An es all wet an messey so Dave Ross ask im what th hell happmd. Denis Ross say "Well I was walkin through that patcha woods that opens out onta the feild by them partments, and as I starts walkin inta th feild the snows gettin deeper an deeper -- ya no like its one big drifta snow! An the more I walk the deeper the sno get until Im upta my chestin snow an I cant walk no more. And wen I try t move I just end up layin back in the drifta snow, unable ta move atall! An Im in th middla nowere where noone ever walks, and I don no what t do. I thougt I was gonna die out there lost in the snow." Meanwile Dave Ross and my brother Pietr lisnin in a mazement to the story o Denis Rosss ordeal, an when Piet tol me th story later I was lisnin in a mazement to! So anyhow after Denis Ross tells how he thougt e was gonna die in the snowey wilderness, Dave Ross asks im real serios "So whatd ya do?" And ya no what Denis Ross say? He say "Well after bout ten minnits I got tired o layin there, so I jus came home." GOT THAT FOKES? Hes stuck flat on is back in snow up t his chesst in an area where no one ever walks by thinkin e might jus die out there -- SO E JUS HEADS ON HOME! Is is guy brilyantr what? Its hard fer me t believe Pietn him went t th same sckool! DAM, I laft so hard when Piet tol me bout that! I mean what happmd t bein STUCK, ya no? So me an Piet came up wit a hole new consept -- the Denis Ross Problem. Heres th definition: A Denis Ross Problem is any problem whose solution implies that there never wunt no problem t begin wit! And we seen many zamples o this over th years, but I cant come up wit any rite now. But now ya no the defnintion, so I can use the espression from now on. But I wonder wether the Donner Party mighta jus wanted ta eat each othr, cause they probly couda had pizza instead.

scrabblin wit a wooman

Buddies,

I was playin Scrabble wit my nayber Billy Joe and hs wife Jan. Im pretty good at that game cause I no alotta werds, an somtimes I gotta watch them to t make sure thay dont make up no werds that aint real werds, even tho thats usually when we end up havin the best conversations. Like las night. Billy Joe he was tryin t make a big score in one turn, so e plunks down a buncha letters that end up makin one werd by itself while makin a coupla other werds outta what was already on th bord. One o th werds was MER, an is wife Jan says "Whats MER?" Well Billy Joe starts stammerin out some esplanation which I no mus be bulshit. He say MER is like the ocean, an a chick who comes outta th ocean is like a MER maid. Billy Joes wife Jan says that aint right, cause MER is only parta a werd like MERmaid -- one werd, not too. An she says that the MER part come from th werd MARE, which is Lattinese fer ocean, an the rules o Scrabble dont allow partsa werds or them Lattinese werds neither. And me the stoopid basterd I starts tryin t help out Billy Joe, cause I think I nose what MER really mean. I member th story bout them 3 wisemen who cam t visit Baby Jezus on the firs day o Chrismas. There was Goldman and Frankenheimer and MER. MERs short fer Mervyn. Mervyn Wiseman. Them 3 guys came to see Baby Jezus, and Merry an Josef hired em as Baby Jezuss jewish loyers. And Billy Joe the nutty fuck starts DISPUTIN wit me! He says them 3 guys was orientals, an e sings me a bit o th song "We 3 Kings of Orientar". Billy Joe says Orientar was a cuntry a long time ago, back before orientals split up t become japs and chinks and gooks. And e say MER was one o the gifts thay was bringin Baby Jezus, like eggroll and crab rangoon. An now hes got me wondrin, but I says there aint no such thing as a chinease jew and that Chinease food aint kosher and how the hecksa jap gonna get from japland alla way t th promiseland where Baby Jezus was borned? Now Billy Joe was loadin up t gimme is theory and the dicsussion was gettin real heavy now, an ollive asudden Billy Joes wife Jan says if MER is the name o somone then the rules o Scrabble dont allowit. Aint that jus lika wooman? Alway stickin in her nose when the menr tryin t intelecchualize!

name changin

Buddies,

I here that collidges that call there sports teams by injun names gotta stop usin em. I think therer alotta sports teams that oughtta change there names, an not jus if they call emselfs injuns. Like the Ohio State Buckeyes. Themr nuts aint thay? Call em what they are. How bout the Virgina Teck Hokies, whatr they? North Texs is the Mean Green, and Tulane is the Green Wave. Marshalls the Thundering Herd, but herda what? I mean I dont care if a team name is injun -- heck, alla the state names are injun aint thay? Nebraska, Oklahoma, Iowa, Ohio, Illinoy, themr all injun names. But what Id likta see is just that the names make some sens. Like Noter Dame. There the Fightin Irish right? Well "Noter Dame" is French fer "Our Lady," so why aint that team called the Fightin French Ladies?

substitutions please

Buddies,

Some restraunts have meal specials that typicly come wit a specific kinda side dish that most peopl like ta have wit da main corse, but some fokes dont like them side dishes but woud rather have sompm else wit dat main corse. Some restraunts say "No substitutions" while others say you can substitute a side dish ya like for the one ya dont. This got me thinkin bout substutions Id likta make, not neccessarrily in da restraunt but just in life genrally. Heres what I come up wit: Tea woud be great if only it was coffee. Fish woud be great if only it was chickin. Vodka woud be great if only it was gin. Rasslin woud be great if only it was boxin. Rap woud be great if only it was rock. Rebecca Romayn woud be great if only she was Christie Brinkley. Reality shows woud be great if only thay was sitcoms. Snooker woud be great if only it was nineball. Plays woud be great if only they was movies. Cats woud be great if only they was dogs. Jay Leno woud be great if only he was Johnny Carson. Gyros would be great if only thay was cheeseburgers. Rugby woud be great if only it was football. Poatry woul be great if only it was song. Two piece bathin suits woud be great if only they was one piece (ladies pick the piece on Mondays, guys pick it all th other days). Oh yeah: Piet would be great if only he was Joey.

see ya when Im rich!

Buddies,

Las nite I was drinkin a bottle o this stuff calld PowerAde which I like to drink when Im out walkin cause when Im out walkin I swett lika friggin pig an I alway end up reel thursty. But I look at th bottl an it say onit "Liquid Hydration + Energy Drink" and this gets me thinkin. A bottle o PowerAde is sompm ya either gotta carry in yer hand or ya gotta carry it in sompm lika backpak. Itd be grate if ya coul jus carry it round in yer pocket butcha cant cause its too big, specially if ya like t by them reel big bottles like I like. So I gets this branestorm oven idea thats gonna make me a tunna munny. Ready fokes? How bout POWDERD HYDRATION?! You coud fit that inta a littl packet thatcha coul put inyer pocket! Alls ya gotta do then is JUS ADD WATER anit becomes the LIQUID HYDRATION yer swetty boddy need! Sos ya jus gotta member t bring a bottl o water wit ya when yer outn about, an you can carry that in yer backpak. Youll have room for it now, since ya wont need t put no PowerAde in there. Make the check payable to Joey Polanski please.

a big supporter for Raffy

Buddies,

Raffy L. Palmero is this big majer leage base baller who jus found hisself in a heap o shit cause he took a test and e faled it cause the test said he took some kinda performance enhancin drug that mighta made im a better baller. So he got kicked outta baseball ferever -- or fer ten games, whichevers shorter (an wit baseball, who can tell?). I think Raffy got screwd wit is pants on! I mean snot like he was tryin t keep any o this a secret. He been up front about taken that drug fer years now. Member them TV cmmercials he usta do? Hed intraduce hisself an say "I take battin practise" and theyd put on the screen how high his battin avrage is an how many homers e hit. Then ed say "I take fieldin practise" and theyd put on the screen how many gold gloves e got. Then ed say "I take Viagra" an they put on the screen some other stastistic like how many times he put balls so deep in a bush that ya cant even see em no more. I mean there it is: e takes the stuff an e swings a bigger bat. Whatsa big deal? The answer aint to stick it to Raffy, the answer is to let all the ballers take the stuff and just start stickin it to each other! I mean have every baller come outta the on-dick circle sportin lumber like es Paul Friggin Bunyan or sompm! Then no ones gotta hit wit a weak littl bat no more. And this stuff aint just gonna help the batters, itll help the pitchers too. Sgotta help a guy with is screwball, and wit da backdoor slider. And when the team aint given the pitcher no support, and the pitcher feels he gotta do it all by imself, tell me he aint gonna get it done wit de ol knuckler! I guess my idea coul be a little hard on th catchers though. But anyhow now poor Raffys gotta try t make people think like hes gotta big bat natcherly, or that its just like a fluke or sompm. Baseball shood be more fare so these guys with those super big bats dont have to do their thing hidin in th closet alla time. After all, were talking bout the greata Merican passtime!